


"[None yet Suggestions welcome in Reviews!]" [MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 31,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: What could be better than tournaments, new villains, and a multiverse that needs saving? Only if it's CHESS tournaments, Mary-Sue hero(ine)s, and a bunch of Canada to boot! Watch as Ami and Mr. Miyagi battle to see who's the best around and so many Senshi that they could open their own casino in Bemidji, Minnesota.





	1. Chapter 1

Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 208, reel 1:

"[None yet Suggestions welcome in Reviews!]"  
(A Sailor Moon Fanfic)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7

==  
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property of  
and (c) 2017 by Best Brains, Inc.

Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of  
her works.

This untitled piece of fiction is the property of Mageling. I hope  
that the author and the readers enjoy this work.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their  
respective owners and distributors.

Comments are welcomed at zoogz@yahoo.com or megane67@rogers.com

==

\---Satellite of Love

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love," Mike Nelson  
stated. "I'm here with the 'Bots, Tom Servo and Crow, and..." Mike did  
a double-take at the stuffed animal perched on the counter. "And, uh,  
that thing there. Mind giving us a run-down?"

"Of course, Mike!" Crow T. Robot nudged the stuffed animal with a  
claw. "Meet Billy!"

Mike contemplated it for a second. "Uh, okay. Billy the what?"

"He's Billy the Zeitgeist!" Tom Servo piped up from the side.

"A... zeitgeist," Mike repeated.

"Yeah! He's always hungry, and everything he eats becomes a part of  
him! Why, this conversation is now part of the zeitgeist!" Tom replied.  
"We could have a rip-roaring debate about the merits of recycling, and  
it'll be in the zeitgeist! The SOL is already in the zeitgeist! Just  
look at it!"

Mike peered closer. The stuffed animal was already a mishmash of  
eclectic pieces, with the body of a dachshund, the trunk of an elephant,  
webbed feet, bunny ears, and...

"Is that David Hasselhoff's face? And does it have a yarmulke on  
top?"

Crow chuckled. "Today's his off-day, he's feeling rather 90s. He  
usually has his will.i.am face. He's so attached to the Zubaz though,  
I don't know what we can do. We keep trying to feed him E! Red Carpet  
specials, but for some reason the zeitgeist barely cares even a week  
later." Crow petted his head. "Of course, he usually is worked up  
through the whole week though, I really don't know why."

Mike turned it so that he couldn't see its face. "Is there anything  
he doesn't consume?"

"These MSTings, typically," Tom replied.

"Gotcha." The red light started flashing. Mike picked up the  
stuffed animal and held it in front of his face as he hit the button.

 

\---Deep Thirteen

"Yieee..." Frank squelched his squeal before Dr. F could react.

"Darn, I almost thought that we finally found eye-candy good enough to  
get some ratings." Dr. Forrester sneered. "There's still a chance,  
Mike, that we'll just get your little stand-in to helm the show rather  
than you. You're a whole lot of oxygen and food, y'know."

"Ix-nay on the ow-shay! I thought I was supposed to be an experiment  
for you to find bad movies and fiction to torture the world with!" Mike  
protested.

"Oh, stop trying to trample my taunting with a premise," Dr. F huffed.  
"And, speaking of trampling, I've got just the thing for amusement for  
these junky Minnesota winters."

"Minnesota? Is that where Deep Thirteen is located?" Mike asked.

"Oh, prole, just step outside the studio and.... oh, yeah, premise  
again. Dammit," Dr. F sighed, "some days it doesn't pay to get off  
the writer's couch... Anyway, you walking cue card, our invention for  
today makes winter much more fun and lucrative!"

TV's Frank stepped behind the camera to pan backward, showing a full  
profile of Dr. F. Dr. F raised his leg to show the sole of his shoe,  
which was glowing blue and had tubes coming from the sides. "Let me  
introduce you to the Slipshoe!" Dr. F chuckled. "The premise behind  
this one is fascinating. In the wintertime, when there's snow on the  
ground, you can melt it slightly through pressure. This shoe has a  
smooth bottom and a powerful freezing unit in the sole which allows  
the walker to create super-slippery ice resistant to salt and ready  
for the next poor schmoe to slip on!" Dr. F put his foot back on the  
floor and looked slightly offscreen. "We don't have any snow around  
here now, so we'll just show you what's supposed to happen. Get over  
here, Frank..."

"Aww, Dr. F, they can dope out how it works," Frank protested.

"Break a leg, Frank. Figuratively or literally. Dr. F growled  
threateningly.

TV's Frank sighed as the camera jiggled slightly. From forestage  
right, Frank walked so that he was positioned just behind Dr. F. As Dr.  
F walked in place, Frank pantomimed a slippery floor. Suddenly, he  
threw himself into a pratfall with gusto and dignity, invoking the  
spirit of a reckless young Bruce Campbell. "Oh, man, I think I chipped  
a tooth..." Frank groused from the floor.

"There you have it! Once I open a few more ambulance-chaser law  
firms, we'll not only have our comedy but also our profit! What do you  
think?" 

 

\--Satellite of Love

"If it makes you feel any better, Frank, Chevy Chase is rolling in his  
grave," Mike assured the video feed.

"He's not dead yet, Mike," Crow interjected. "Oh, cool, Billy the  
Zeitgeist already has rumors about his death though!"

"You're welcome, Crow," Mike responded. "Anyway, Tom told me that  
he'd take care of the invention this week. Of course, with no arms that  
work, I have no clue what the heck he did, but take it anyway Tommy!"

Tom turned his bubblegum globe slowly toward Mike, almost as if he  
could glare without any eyes. "See if I ever bail you out again,  
Nelson."

Mike rummaged under the desk and returned with a plastic toy. "Hey,  
this looks like the PKE meter I played with in the late 80's, Tom,"  
Sure enough, there was a handle at the bottom, a square area which  
looked like it could be a screen, and an antenna on top that looked  
like a large 'T'.

"See, we've adapted it for a higher purpose, Mike! It's got a cover!"

"Wow." Mike placed the device on the desk. "There are a few more  
wires now though, what'd you do to it?"

Tom raised himself above the desk slightly. "It's a Jokeson meter!"  
As Crow chuckled, Tom turned back to Mike. "Be useful and push that  
button there on the handle." The meter started beeping, and five  
seconds later the cover opened up automatically.

"Hey, cool, there's a picture of me on it!" Mike said. "What's it do,  
measure awesomeness?"

"Not a chance, meatbag," Tom replied sardonically. "It shows us who  
the joke is on." He started chuckling. Crow laughed harder and the  
audio pickup caught Frank and Dr. F laughing as well.

"Hey now, give me that. I knew that your phony zeitgeist was stupid,  
how can that joke be on me?" Mike picked up the toy and looked at it  
carefully....

"Hey, wait a second... this isn't a screen, you just pasted my  
picture in here and put a piece of clear plastic on top!" Mike  
spluttered.

Everyone started laughing hysterically except for Mike. Through the  
guffaws, Crow looked at him. "Jokeson! See, the joke's on you! You  
thought it was real!"

"It really works!" Tom chortled.

 

"HAHAHAheheh... wooo..." Dr. F struggled to compose himself.  
"Terrific idea for a gag gift, guys. Anyway, your 'fic today could  
absolutely peg your Jokeson meter. For who, I don't know. I'd tell  
you what the title is, but the author didn't bother."

"Sixteen chapters and no title, the joke really is on you Nelson!"  
Frank laughed.

"Enjoy white-hot Sailor Moon chess-playing action!" Dr. F waved.

 

The lights went crazy amid bursts of laughter. "You guys, we're  
getting a 'fic and you're laughing about it?" Mike asked. "It's FIC  
SIGN!!"

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom.)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you  
inside.)

 

Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third  
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far right  
seat.

 

Mike: Now I know why I always feel as if I'm being laughed at.  
Crow: Hey, we can't help it if you're naturally funny!

 

>None yet Suggestions welcome in Reviews!  
>By: Mageling

Mike: I think that's the earliest that comments and criticism have ever  
been solicited.  
Tom: I can hardly wait for the sequel, "None Yet Suggest a Number."

 

>Chapter 1

Mike: Previously on NYSWIR Blue...

 

>She pressed herself against the wall, trying desperately to remain  
>hidden. She hoped that Hibroy's troops would not notice her. 

Crow: Fortunately, the wall only betrayed the arrival of Kilroy.  
Tom: Makoto Kino IS Sailor Snake!

 

>"My Lady," came a soft voice. She turned, panicked. It was only  
>Donald, the Guardian of Earth. 

Crow: Mighty Donald!

 

>He gave her a reassuring smile. She gave him a furious scowl.  
>  
>" I told you to remain hidden," she whispered fiercely. 

Tom: We've already lost Huey, Dewey and Louie out there!

 

>Donald was one of her best friends. He was also one of her Guardians.

Crow [girl]: Speaking of which, isn't it time you issued me a power ring?

 

>"I'm not going to leave you." He put his hand gently on her shoulder.  
>"I care about you too much." She was touched, but she knew his  
>thinking would only get him killed.

Mike: Especially as the "human shield" principle applied.

 

>"Go, now," she hissed. "If you care about me, you will leave me. You  
>can be taken, but I can't . If they catch you with me. . . ." She  
>broke from his grasp, and hurried into the darkness.

Mike: If this was any more "Casablanca", Donald would be doppled into a  
baboon.

 

>Donald grabbed her arm. His big hands caught her, squeezing her arm  
>so hard she knew she would bruise.  
>  
>"Donald, please," she whispered. He tightened his grip. Donald pulled  
>her closer.

Crow: Looks like someone's about to be Fabioed.

 

>"Surrender to my master," he hissed. He twisted her arm until she  
>thought it would pop.

Tom: If only Lisa Kudrow had friends like that.

 

>"Never," she replied, trying to steel herself against him. She had  
>been so stupid!  
>  
>"You will surrender," he repeated more forcefully. She sank to her  
>knees.

Crow [girl]: OK, OK, you can stay with me! Geez!  
Mike: The army's just sittin' back, getting popcorn and drinks...

 

>Three figures stepped out of the shadows. A ball of fire whirled  
>toward them.

Tom: Donald was more than willing to prove the superiority of the  
Caballeros over the Amigos any day of the week.

 

>Donald, caught unaware, was thrown back into the wall. She felt a  
>hand on her shoulder. She looked up. Donald's twin brother, Daniel,  
>stood over her. 

Tom: There WAS an army somewhere, right?

 

>He helped her to her feet. Beyond him, stood two Senshis, the Senshi  
>of Anger, and the Senshi of the Wood.

Tom: But where's the Senshi of Christmas Past?

 

>"Lady, you should escape." Daniel pulled her to her feet.

Crow [girl]: Yeah, thanks for the tip, Jerry Lewis.

 

>"You know what you must do," added the Senshi of the Wood. 

Tom [girl]: Wait, is this a trick question?  
Crow: This has to be the most ineffective rescue since the men sent in to  
save the men sent in to save the men.

 

>"I will. Take care of yourselves, sister Senshis, brother Guardian."  
>She hurried off, to leave them to deal with Donald. She hoped that  
>they would be alright.

Mike: How come I'm getting a strong urge to play Kingdom Hearts?  
Tom: They should be fine as long as that army doesn't suddenly fade back  
into being!

 

>*** *** *** *** *** *** ***  
>  
>Ami slowly opened the envelope. She smiled. 

Tom: [Ami] According to this, I may have already won a scene change!

 

>"What is it Ames? asked Serena, peering up from her book. Ami looked  
>down at her. She frowned at Serena. Serena had placed a comic book  
>inside her math book.

Crow: She also shoehorned a waffle into her science book. It was a  
revolutionary way to pack.

 

>"You are supposed to be studying." Serena blushed.  
>  
>Ami sat down, setting the envelope on the table. Rei reached over  
>slowly, obviously trying to snatch it and read it for herself.

Mike: [Rei] Oooh, I'll bet it's a gas bill! Maybe even a credit card  
application! 

 

>"Plane tickets," Ami told them. Rei withdrew her hand.  
>  
>"Plane tickets?" repeated Lita. She looked up from her own comic-  
>concealing-book.  
>  
>"Plane tickets," confirmed Ami. 

Mike: If it's Northwest, she may as well leave now and beat the  
cancellation.

 

>"Where are you going? asked Rini. Rini sat cross legged on the floor.  
>She was trying to make a gift for her friend's birthday.

Tom: With only a bit more navel lint, she'd finally be able to finish  
the afghan.

 

>Ami stood. She looked around at the expectant faces of her friends.  
>  
>"I'm going to Canada, for a chess championship," she announced. The  
>others stared at her.

(All laugh)  
Crow: Canada? What's first prize, a plate of poutine?  
Tom: Yeah, who's the defending champion? Moose Baby?

 

>"Chess?" Mina asked with a bewildered look. "You're going all the  
>way to Canada for chess?" Ami just smiled. She hadn't really  
>expected her friends to understand. 

Tom: They were severely plot-deprived, yet had far more common sense  
than Ami suspected.  
Mike: Global needed her to show up for some Sailor Moon promos.

 

>They rarely did when it came to academics. Still, she doubted she  
>could have better friends.  
>  
>Ami stood, and bid her friends a cheerful goodbye. She had to pack.

Mike: Three suitcases. Hopefully Northwest will hit North America with  
three chances.  
Crow: Anyone up for healthy speculation as to where she hides her  
henshin stick to get through airport security?

 

>Chapter 2:

Crow: Well, let's recap the fanfic so far. The Simpsons are... I mean,  
Ami's going to Canada!  
Tom: I smell Emmy.  
Mike: I smell something else.

 

>Ami wandered the halls of the Canadian university, searching for a  
>way to the dorms.

Mike: Take a left at Tim Hortons, go straight, take a right at the  
next Tim Hortons, and it's next to the Tim Hortons.

 

>She read each new sign. Each was written in both English and French.  
>For fun, she would alternate languages as she searched. She needed  
>to keep her mind sharp.

Tom: [Ami] Hey, wait... in English, it says "Dorm 100m ->" but in French  
it says "Go to hell, Anglo,"?

 

>The university wasn't large, but it had been emptied for the summer.  
>It seemed infinitely larger because it was so empty, void of the  
>noise that usually filled schools. It was almost eery. 

Mike: Or even Ontario.  
Tom: Ami completely missed the memo that Ottawa sent to the country.  
All of Canada is currently revolting against the evil U.S. overlords  
for independence.  
Crow: It was the most exciting five minutes Canada had ever seen.

 

>The little hairs on the back of her neck rose. Ami tightened her  
>fist. She looked around, but could see no one.

Crow: They all ran when they saw her fists.  
Tom: You have an all-purpose computer, Ami! USE IT!

 

>Amy had room 603 in the west ward. The door wasn't locked. Ami pushed  
>it open, and went in. The girl looked up at Ami, panic flashing  
>across her face. 

Crow: [Girl] Who ARE you? Amy, or Ami??  
Mike: [Ami] Ami but sometimes y.

 

>She had gone very pale. She had long purple-black hair that was  
>pulled into a tight braid. The braid was tied off with a green  
>ribbon that clashed with her blue flowered sun dress.

Tom: And, incidentally, her hair.  
Mike: Wow, a tie-dye goth. Don't see that every day.

 

>"Hello," said Ami, giving the girl a friendly smile.  
>  
>"Hi," squeaked the girl. She looked to be sixteen or seventeen. She  
>was acting oddly shy and nervous. Ami was struck with the image of  
>a child when the girl smiled tentatively.

Crow: I hadn't the slightest we'd be reading "Senshi and a Half."

 

>"I'm Ami," she continued. "I guess I'll be your room mate for the  
>week. What's you name?"  
>  
>"I'm Kyaranna," the girl replied shyly. "My friends call me Ky."

Tom: She was conceived at a renaissance faire.  
Mike: HUZZAH!

 

>"Can I call you Ky?" A ghost of a smile crossed the girl's pale face.  
>  
>"Sure."

Tom: (singing) All along, along, there were incidents and accidents,  
hints and allegations...

 

>Amy plunked down heavily on her bed. She was tired and sore. She had  
>decided that she did not like flying in air planes one little bit.

Mike: [Amy] I can't believe they showed BOTH Deuce Bigalow movies...

 

>"D'you want a warm up game of chess before the tournament starts  
>tomorrow?" asked Ky.  
>  
>"Sure. But my board is still packed."

Mike: Yet ironically enough, she's ready to go.  
Crow: Rather odd form of foreplay.

 

>"No problem. We'll use mine." Ky waved her hand toward the board.  
>  
>Ami felt her mouth drop open. 

Crow: [Ami] Wow, uh... okay... am I the Canadians... or the Oilers?

 

>She had never seen such a finely crafted chess set. Each piece seemed  
>to be hand crafted from smooth stone. Ami picked up the black-stone  
>queen. The queen's face even had detail.

Tom: [Ami] The teeth are crooked and I can even see the signs of  
inbreeding! Impressive!

 

>There were folds in the queen's dress that made it look like she was  
>standing in a light breeze. The folds in the white-stone's dress  
>went in the opposite direction. 

Crow: Not often you see a chess piece in mid toot.  
Mike: I never thought I'd see panty shots in a story about chess.

 

>Ami wondered if that was done purposefully. She reasoned it was.

Crow: There's only room for one thought in Ami's mind at a time. Like  
when she took that wine-making course and completely forgot how to  
drive.

 

>Ky picked up two pawns, one white, one black. She put the behind her  
>back.  
>  
>"Pick a hand, Ami." Ami smiled. She crocked her head. 

Mike: [Ky] Ow, dammit! I said pick a hand! That hurt!

 

>She preferred to have white, as it meant she would go first.  
>  
>"Left," she replied. Ky flipped over her left hand. In it was the  
>white pawn. Ky smiled.

Crow: ...as she flipped over her right hand to reveal a even whiter  
pawn.

 

>"Good choice, Ami."  
>  
>Ami made her first move, blocking the only was Ky would have for a  
>four-move check mate. 

Tom: [Ky] *Cough* Hey! What's with all the fog!? *cough*

 

>She followed Ky's hand as it rested over a pawn. Her hands were very  
>smooth and soft looking. Perfect, just like her chess set.

Crow: (Aside to Mike) I told you it was foreplay.  
Tom: Suddenly, passionately, the two of them cleaned off the board and  
pulled each other close for a long, hot kiss.

 

>Ami narrowed her eyes as Ky took her knight. She was expecting it.  
>She could tell Ky was holding back. Then again, so was she. Ami  
>moved her bishop. 

Crow: You see, her bishop had been receiving some allegations from the  
congregation, so she had to transfer his diocese.  
Tom: You know, this would be far better if Don Cherry showed up around  
the first intermission.

 

>"Check," she said, trying to hold back the confident tone in her  
>voice. Ky made the only move she could.  
>  
>"Stalemate," Ky observed.

Tom: HOW?!? She was just in check and moved out of it... how did she  
force a stalemate without Ami even moving?

 

>"You were holding back."  
>  
>"So were you.

Crow: [Ami] Shall we play a game of Crazy Eights next? I promise to  
hold back the you-know-whats.

 

>Besides, I wouldn't want to give you an edge now, would I?"  
>  
>"I suppose not," replied Ky with a smile. She seemed much more  
>relaxed now.

Tom: Upon a closer look at the chessboard, you can see white squares,  
black squares, and that white line in the center...  
Mike: [Ky] It's SO medicinal...

 

>Ky stood up, packing away her beautiful chess board.  
>  
>"Come on, I'll show you to the dining room."

Crow: [Ky] Right after I arm the safe.  
Tom: But Ky held back and only showed her to the pool.

 

>"Do you attend this university?" asked Ami, surprised at the ease Ky  
>had going through the university.

Crow: You'd never know it, but Ky's on double secret probation.

 

>"No. I'm not from Toronto. 

Mike: [Ky] Which means I'm not incapacitated with Leaf anguish for  
seven months of each year.

 

>I'm not old enough to go to the university yet." Ky brushed a wayward  
>piece of hair off her face. 

Mike: [Ky] Unless it's to a frat party!  
Crow: Evidently, she's old enough to know of razor burn...

 

>"I just wanted to get a taste of being away from home before I go on  
>my exchange trip."  
>  
>"Wow, where to?" asked Ami. She was impressed.  
>  
>"Japan. The culture fascinates me." Ami grinned.

Tom: [Ky] What's this "seppuku" I keep hearing about and how can I  
participate?

 

>"I live in Japan."

Mike: [Ky] Omigod! Can you get me on Team Rocket!? PLEASE SAY YES!!!

 

>"Really? Your English is wonderful."  
>  
>"Thank you."  
>  
>They had reached the dining room. Ami was surprised at the number of  
>teens that were there. 

Crow: [Ky] Chess groupies. Expect to beat them off all evening.

 

>All of them were there for the contest. 

Tom: Actually, someone told them Barenaked Ladies were here tonight  
and all the non-Canadian kids misunderstood.

 

>Ami worried that she would not get very far. With this kind of  
>competition it would be very difficult.

Mike: Fortunately the swimsuit portion was first.  
Tom: Still, she had a few weeks to prepare herself... it IS chess, after  
all, and she was sixty-third in line.  
Crow: AND the tournament was Round Robin format. Three years later the  
quarterfinals start.

 

>Ami sat with Ky. She hardly ate any of the food. The spaghetti sauce  
>looked too watery for her liking. 

Crow: [Ky] You realize that you're complaining about a hot dog, right?  
Mike: [Ami] Than what's this thin red..... YAAAAAHHH!!

 

>Besides, she was more tired then hungry. Ami just wanted to drop her  
>head and fall asleep.

Crow: [Ami as Peppermint Patty] *clunk* I'm awake! The answer is six!

 

>The doors burst open. Ami looked up, startled. A man came in.

Mike: [Kool-Aid Man] OH YEAAAH!  
Crow: [Ami] Now THAT red stuff looks tasty!

 

>He wore a dark green suit that looked almost black. He looked very much  
>like Tuxedo mask, except he was wearing a silver crown on his head.

Tom: Jughead pimps all the way out.

 

>Ami tried to comprehend what his face looked like, but she forgot what  
>he looked like even as she stared at him.

Tom: (singing) Forgettable... that's what... you are...  
Crow: Ami seems to have been sniffing the pepper a bit hard tonight.

 

>She felt her blood run cold.

Crow: Shouldn't have had revenge for breakfast.

 

>"I know you're here, Senshi!" he called. He held out his hand.  
>"Earth Triumph Blast!"

Mike: [Ami] Oh, hello! Should I call you "Earth"? I already know of a  
Triumph, and you're not as funny.

 

>Out of his hand shot a long, thin beam of energy that wrapped around  
>three students near the door. The students were turned to stone.

Crow: [Ami] Sweet! I'll just hide and he should take care of most of  
my opponents. I can smell victory already!  
Mike: [Ky] No, that's just my lap.

 

>"Some out, Senshi, and I'll release them. You know what I want." He  
>grinned. "The rest of you losers, get out of here."

Tom: 'Canada's Worst Actor', this fall on Discovery!

 

>Ami joined the crowd in its frantic rush to escape the powerful madman.  
>Ami slipped away from the others, into a deserted hall.

Tom: [Ami] Oh, hey Bruce, Mark, Dave Foley...

 

>"Mercury Crystal Power!" she cried. She transformed into her Senshi  
>uniform, and hurried back to the dining room.

Mike: [Ami] You'll get those tater tots over my dead body.  
Tom: [Ami] In the name of overpriced french fries and ready-made  
sandwiches, I will punish you!

 

>Ami threw open the doors. The male-senshi stared at her.  
>  
>"Who are you?" he asked, crocking his head. 

Mike: [Ami] I'll be your fanservice for the evening. Would you like our  
wine list, sir?

 

>"I am Sailor Mercury. You want a Senshi, you got one.

Tom: They're like Merry Maids in that regard.  
Mike: Well, the guy's rock garden was strangely incomplete without a  
Senshi.

 

>Now let them go."  
>  
>"I've never heard of you, Mercury. You are not the Senshi I seek."

Mike: [Mercury] I am not the Senshi you seek....  
Crow: [man] You can go about your business...

 

>His eyes narrowed. "You must be a Lesser Senshi. How you got here is  
>completely beyond me. 

Mike: [Mercury] *sigh* I've never had to explain this to an enemy  
before, but when a mommy and a daddy love each other...

 

>If you'd like a fight, I'd be glad to oblige you."  
>  
>Ami looked around. She pulled down her visor. 

Crow: [man] Or... perhaps a rousing game of Poker instead?

 

>She wished the others were here. They were all much stronger fighters  
>then her, even Mini-Moon.

Mike: Even Luna. Even Luna's fleas.

 

>"Mercury Bubbles Blast!" she cried. The room filled with grey-blue  
>mist. Ami moved, careful to avoid the male-Senshi. She could see  
>him, but he could not see her.

Tom: [Ami] I'll just hide behind Billy here... he's fat, and if that guy  
shoots at me Billy could stand to lose a stone or three.  
Crow: Armed with fistfuls of back bacon, Ami decided to start the  
messiest food fight in history.

 

>"Nice trick, for running away." Ami would not let him goad her into  
>doing something stupid.

Mike: [Ami] You can't goad me! I'm the smart one!  
Tom: Wait, running away would be *smart*, wouldn't it? That way she  
could ambush him even more fully than now. I think she was  
reverse-psychologied there.

 

>"Aqua Rhapsody!" The blast of icy water incased the male senshi as  
>the bubbles drifted to the ground.  
>  
>Ami consulted her computer. She could not figure out who this guy  
>really was.

Mike: [Ami] No mention of him on Google or Wikipedia... he must not  
exist!

 

>"Wait! Don't destroy him!" called a voice from above. Ami looked up.  
>A senshi jumped down from the rafters. "He's human!" The senshi  
>landed between Ami and the male senshi. 

Crow: Then a senshi jumped from the pot of spaghetti sauce. "Don't  
listen to her OR the senshi hiding behind the toaster!"  
Mike: [Hudson from 'Aliens'] THERE'S SENSHI ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!

 

>"Who are you?" asked Ami. The senshi smiled, fiddling with her dark  
>purple outfit, and stretching her long staff toward the frozen man.

Tom: I am the senshi formally known as Princess.  
Mike: Acceptable answers include Sailor Elle MacPherson, Sailor Jessica  
Alba, and Sailor Jennifer Garner.

 

>"I am Sailor Kotanam. 

Crow: Kotanamundi Man? Here? Sweet!  
Tom: [Sailor Kotanam] I'm a hero AND a word jumble!

 

>He is the Gaurdian of Earth. He was after me." She smiled bitterly.  
>"Stand back, Princess, or you may get sucked into my vortex too."

Tom: [Ami] Does it lead to a more coherent story?

 

>She touched the ground with the tip of her staff. "Kotanam Gate!" Out  
>of her staff snaked a black light. The light swallowed up the  
>Guardian of Earth. he disappeared.

Crow: It's a portable Punji pit!  
Mike [Sailor Kotanam]: Well, that's done. Lunch?

 

>The Senshi turned back to Ami.  
>  
>"I am sorry to cause you trouble, sister Senshi. I had hoped they  
>couldn't follow me here." She sighed. 

Mike: [Kotanam] The Saran Wrap should've held! Freshness Shield my ass!

 

>"Get going. I will free the captives from the Guardian's magic." 

Crow: [Kotanam] Anybody got a chisel handy? Anybody?  
Tom: [Kotanam] I must work quickly before the pigeons arrive!

 

>Ami stepped back, and headed toward the door. She stopped, and turned  
>to ask Sailor Kotanam a question. But, the strange senshi was already  
>gone, and the three stone students were returning to normal. 

Mike [student] Dude, what the hell was all THAT about!?  
Crow [student] Dunno, dude, but I'm still holding out for some bare  
naked ladies.  
Tom [student] Either of you guys have a Toonie? I need change for the  
munchie machine...

 

>Ami thought it best to leave.

Crow: Wait! Don't give up yet! There's so much more of  
Canada to experience! Hockey! Multi-colored money! Beer with  
slightly more alcohol in it! Chicken Cannons! Topless nudity  
in public! Umm uhh...

 

>Chapter 3

Tom: Return of the King... what? It's a chess piece! It applies!  
Mike: With special guest star, Richard Pryor!  
Crow: I hope she remembered to hit a save spot before going on.

 

>Ky awoke earlier then her room mate. She couldn't have been more  
>pleased with the roommate who had been chosen for her.

Crow: She'd never been able to terrorize someone so completely and so  
quickly.

 

>She seemed to have met her intellectual match in Ami. As a bonus, Ami  
>was quiet and did not ask too many questions. She simply seemed to  
>accept Ky as she was, as she appeared to be.

Crow: Just one of many faceless Canadians, all of whom are busy plotting  
for the apocalypse to come.  
Mike: [Ky] Ooh, maybe she can even help out with the violent overthrow  
of the local Pizza Pizza!

 

>This suited Ky nicely.  
>  
>She tied her hair with the little green ribbon that her mother had  
>given her before she had died.

Crow: The whooooole inheritance.

 

>It was the only tie she had to her home. 

Tom: Ribbondell.  
Crow: Ky's from Taiwan?  
Mike: Her mother was Inspector #12.

 

>She felt lost and alone. She knew it would only get worse. 

Tom: The Red Green Show was coming on in ten minutes.

 

>"Hey, sleepy head," Ky called. Ami moaned and pulled her pillow over  
>her head. "Jet lag," decided Ky. She smiled, thinking of what she  
>already knew about this girl.

Crow: It's amazing what a little sodium pentothal in the toothpaste can  
accomplish.

 

>"Ami, we have to be at the tournament in half an hour." This had the  
>desired effect. Ami sprung from her bed as if it were on fire.

Mike: Yeah, you don't want to lose the good seats.  
Tom: [Ky] If we're not in the front two rows at the half-pipe, how will  
we ever have a chance to catch one of Tony Hawk's vital organs?

 

>"Why'd you let me sleep so late?" she demanded, slamming the bathroom  
>door behind her. Ky grinned, and fought to control the bubble of  
>laughter that had come into her. 

Tom: Once Ami finds out it's Sunday, Ky, you'd better be running for  
your life.

 

>The shower came on. Ky could hear Ami frantically getting ready. Ky  
>rearranged her chess pieces on the board, listening to Ami murmur  
>angrily. 

Crow: [Ky] I'll give her another minute then flush the toilet! Hee hee!  
I'm such a nut!

 

>"Check, Ami," Ky whispered, "your move."  
>  
>Ami burst out of the bathroom, looking frazzled but otherwise very  
>neatly dressed.

Tom: Ami dropped Ky's empty deodorant stick and shampoo on the board.  
Mike: [Ami] Checkmate.

 

>Her hair was in disarray, and Ami was trying to tame her wayward  
>locks. Ky grinned. Ami turned a murderous glare at her.

Crow: [Ky] Yeah, Ami, you're exactly right... love *is* a battlefield!  
Heh heh...  
Tom: So this is what happens when author-created characters stop being  
polite and start being real... pains in the asses.

 

>"You're evil!" she exclaimed playfully, realizing her error. "The  
>tournament starts this afternoon!"

Mike: And right back to foreplay. The hell?

 

>"Of course I'm evil," replied Ky, trying to look innocent.  
>She laughed. Ami began to laugh too. "Come on. Let's get some  
>breakfast."

Crow: The suspense is killing me... strychnine, arsenic, or just  
regular ol' hemlock?

 

>*************************************************************>*******

Mike: Snowing? In Canada? No way.

 

>Ami tried not to let her jaw drop open again. The cafeteria had been  
>full, but the number of kids had to have doubled.

Tom: So this is what happens when you glitch a chess game. Centuries  
of people have always wondered...

 

>There were more then two thousand names displayed on the huge  
>scoreboard. 

Tom: And their dojos! Can't forget their dojos.  
Crow: And some enterprising troublemaker, to save time, just hung a  
"Kick Them" sign at the bottom.

 

>"There's got to be at least two thousand teens here," whispered Ami.  
>  
>"No doubt more," replied Ky, who was scanning the board to find her  
>name.

Mike: So either the board itself is the size of your average battleship  
or the print is so small they need a telescope.  
Crow: They'd better pray that board is fastened securely or it'll be  
sudden death.

 

>"I'm in group A1," she added, pointing up near the top of the giant  
>list. "I'm playing a Russian girl. How 'bout you?"

Crow: [Ami] I played a good regular season, so I have a bye.

 

>"Group B12," replied Ami.

Tom: [Ami] I'm an important part of this nutritious breakfast.

 

>She followed the lines of the championship board. 

Crow: [Ami] I wonder if the guy that tried to kill me is up there...  
yep, there he is. Third from the top right.

 

>"There's no way I'll face you until the finals, if either of us get  
>that far. Out lines never merge until then."

Mike: [Ami] DRAGO!!! Oops, getting ahead of myself in my training.

 

>"Well then, whomever is out first gets to be black in our first real  
>game. We won't play again until one of us is out or we're both in the  
>finals. Deal?"

Mike: Ahh, a suicide pact! I was waiting for one of those.

 

>"Deal, Ky." Ami grinned. "Good luck."  
>  
>"Hum. I don't put faith in luck. You shouldn't either." Ky bounced  
>away into the sea of students.

Tom: She needs to lay off the Gummi Berry juice.

 

>Ami laughed, and went to find her opponent.

Crow: Blackjack in hand, she stalked silently...

 

>Ami was disappointed. The match had lasted less then an hour. The boy  
>from France gave her a weak smile. She congratulated him in his native  
>tongue

Mike: Then he hoped the congratulations would *never end*.  
Tom: That would definitely be the ultimate strategy... if your choices  
as a chess nerd are to either win the match or make time with a  
Japanese chick, and probably for the first time in your chess-addled  
life...

 

>"Bien jouez," Ami said, shaking his hand. . The boy, maybe fifteen,  
>gave her a much bigger smile.

Crow: [Ami] Don't feel sad! I'm widely considered to be a genius in  
France.

 

>"Merci, Ami," he replied. "Bonne chance." Ami smiled. 

Tom: Aww, man... if he's got to go back to France, then does that  
mean that Charlie Brown has to go back home?

 

>She returned to the score board in time to see her name go up. Her next  
>match would be the next morning, when she'd fight the winner of the  
>Italian boy versus the American named "Jordan".

Tom: Italian boy? Is that the third tenor that isn't Domingo or  
Pavarotti?

 

>She couldn't decide if Jordan was a girl or boy, but it didn't really  
>matter. 

Crow: Ami decided that she could bounce chess pieces off their head no  
matter what parts they had below.

 

>Ami found Ky's match slot. Her game was not yet finished. Ami decided  
>to take a walk around the campus to get acquainted with where she  
>needed to go.

Tom: [Ami] I've got this new protest song I've been DYING to try out at  
the Commons...

 

>Ami had no clue where she was. She was lost in an out of the way ally. 

Mike [Ami, grumbling] Stupid streets of Shapier... where the HELL is  
the damn Money Changer!?

 

>A scream cut through the still air. Ami pulled out her transformation  
>pen.  
>  
>"Mercury Crystal Power!" she cried. She transformed into Sailor  
>Mercury, and ran toward the scream.

Crow: Oh, Ami, you only encourage that kind of behaviour. Saunter over  
casually, so that the scream knows you care but that you're not going  
to drop everything.

 

>A wave of memories flooded her mind. Everything that had happened the  
>day before came crashing back to her. That new senshi had played with  
>her mind. Not just her mind, but the minds of everyone on campus!

Mike: [Ami] I'd better call Raz and the rest of the Psychonauts in on this!

 

>This senshi meant serious business.  
>  
>A second scream jolted Ami back to the present. She continued her run  
>toward the sound.

Crow: Forget it, Ami. If you didn't make it for the original, the  
sequels just get worse.

 

>She came into sight of the main building. In dark shadows lurked a  
>man and two dog-shaped beings. There were two girls lying unconscious  
>out in the light. They were very pale.

Tom: Oh Lord, it's turned into Manos!

 

>"Night Terrors, capture that senshi!" ordered the man. The two  
>dog-creatures sprang into the dying light of day. 

 

Mike: They became significantly less formidable once they started  
scooting in the grass.

 

>The dog-creatures were not really dogs at all, but shaped that way.

Crow: Oh! They're really killer shrews, right?  
Mike: Soooo, should we call Ghostbusters then... or not...??

 

>They seemed to be made of living shadow. Ami felt her blood drain  
>from her face, and she wanted nothing more then to run away. She  
>stood her ground. Her bubbles would do no good against these fowl  
>creatures.

Tom: Her rocket launcher, on the other hand...  
Mike: [Ami] I may be scared but you're just plain chicken!

 

>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" she yelled. The two hounds were frozen.  
>They shattered into a thousand pieces.

Tom: Whoa, she performed a Fatality on the Animality! Cool!

 

>"You'll not get away so very easily, senshi," said the man. He held  
>out his hand. Ami felt as if a giant fist were pulling her in. She  
>could not breath very well.  
>  
>"Where is the Princess?" demanded the man.

Crow: [Ami] C-Cell block... 1138...

 

>"So that's it," thought Ami. "He's after Serena. I can't let him!"  
>She refused to answer him.

Tom: At least verbally.

 

>The invisible hand tightened it's grip. Her lungs burned from lack of  
>air. Ami thought she would lose consciousness.  
>  
>"I repeat, Lesser Senshi, where is your princess?" Ami drew her lips  
>together tighter. 

Crow: [Naoko Takeuchi] Hey your lips look fine! Stop that!

 

>Black spots were beginning to appear in her vision.

Tom: [Ami] Finally, I get to test my fal-tor-pan theory. Anyone  
around want a katra?

 

>"I am here, Guardian," said a voice. "Let Sailor Mercury go."  
>  
>"Gladly. She is of no use to us." Ami was thrown against a tree. Her  
>head bounced off the truck, and soon she knew no more.

Mike: A tree? In an alley?  
Tom: Now, this is a story about Jane Doe. Jane Doe lives in room 1242  
of St. Mary's Hospital in downtown Toronto. Her room is always very  
humid due to drooling. She has a pretty blue skirt! Drool, Jane,  
drool.

 

>Chapter 4:

Crow: [Ed the Sock] Coming up next on "This Fanfic Sucks", will Sailor  
Mercury survive her brutal assault from the Mummenschanz? And if so,  
will Ky finally be able to seal the deal with her? Stay tuned!

 

>She blinked back the tears as Donald was sucked back into the dark  
>abyss that she had created.

Tom: [girl, softly] You're fired.

 

>"Wake up, sister Senshi, Sailor Mercury," she urged. She gently shook  
>the other scout awake.

Crow: Just the ticket for someone who may possibly be suffering major  
hypoxic brain injuries.  
Mike: And as much as one can be awakened from a serious concussion.

 

>"Where's the Guardian?" asked Sailor Mercury, looking about  
>bewildered.  
>  
>"He's gone, for now. Hopefully he won't get away."  
>  
>"Who are you?"

Tom: [Mercury] Oh, and what is your quest?

 

>"I already told you, I am Sailor Kotanam." She helped the other girl  
>to her feet.  
>  
>"I've never heard of you before," Mercury said, giving her an  
>appraisal. She had great intelligence in her eyes.

Crow: [Sailor Kotanam] I'm Pluto's replacement, she took her planet's  
declassification pretty hard and left the service.

 

>"I am not surprised. I am not from this universe, but from an  
>alternate one. I am Princess of the Kandar people."

Tom: Really? Any relation to Crab People?

 

>"Then why are you called Sailor Kotanam ?" She smiled at the bewildered  
>Senshi.

Mike: [Sailor Kotanam] It's the sound I once made when I had a tuna bone  
stuck in my throat.  
Crow: [Kotanam] Well, I was Sailor Oort Cloud before the Great Senshi  
Renaming of ought-three...

 

>"It is who I am. Kotanam is the place where all universes collide. I am  
>the keeper of the gate, born in a new universe every lifetime."

Crow: You wouldn't BELIEVE the amount of mail that's trying to find her.  
Tom: [Mercury] Wait, doesn't that make you Sailor Zuul?  
Mike: Which means she only has sex with Rick Moranis to look forward to.

 

>A memory, most unexpected, came into her mind. She had to fight to get  
>through it. She had so many past lives, and memories from all of them,  
>that it became difficult for her to stay focused sometimes.

Mike: Whoo, it's the intermittent retcon memories!

 

>"Princess of Mercury, why are you on Earth? Who is guarding your  
>people? Your mother and father?"

Crow: [Mercury] We subcontracted Flash Gordon. Let me tell you...  
NEVER subcontract Flash Gordon.

 

>The senshi gave her a blank look that told her all and nothing. 

All: ....

 

>It was a look of deep frustration and total loss. Sailor Mercury had no  
>clue what she was talking about!

Crow: [Mercury] Hey, don't blame me, we were supposed to take over  
America before our economy went kablooey!

 

>"I was born here. The Silver Millennium is long over. Earth is my home  
>now." The senshi stood.  
>  
>"They'll notice us soon," Mercury said. "We should get into cover."

Mike: They who?  
Crow: All of the yuri fiction writers, that's who!

 

>"Tomorrow, then, after you matches, but before supper, meet me in the  
>ally over there," she commanded.

Crow: [Mercury] He'll be the one snoring in the cardboard box.  
Tom: [Kotanam] The password is "voluptuous", five dollar cover charge.

 

>"Then, we will talk, Sister Senshi to Sister Senshi. I'll tell you  
>everything you need to know." 

Mike: [Ami] But we've only got... oh, wait, it's a chess tournament,  
yeah, take your time then. It'll be fine.

 

>Without another word, she raised her staff above her head. She  
>transported herself away, where she would not be seen by Mercury, or  
>any normal human.

Tom: Little children, the mentally retarded, and Ziggy could still see  
her though.

 

>Hibroy's army was making too much progress. If they were breaking her  
>seal then she had only one choice.

Tom: Ziploc.

 

>She had to get Serenity's Crystal, the Silver Imperial Moon Crystal.

Mike: Queen Serenity's Silver Imperial Moon Crystal. Queen Serenity,  
the mother of the Princess Sailor Moon...  
Tom: [Ky] OKAY, OKAY, I've got it!

 

>She only hoped that the Moon Princess would be willing to hand it  
>over to her.

Mike: If not... there's always eBay.

 

>If not, there was always force. A whole universe was at stake, maybe  
>more.!

Tom: Are you forgetting about tickling? Bondage? Deceit? Grovelling?

 

>*************************************************************  
>********

Crow: See? The universe is already down to about seventy stars, they're  
already screwed.

 

>Ami returned to her room. Her head pounded. She hoped she wasn't  
>bleeding. Ky was in their room when she returned.

Mike: [Ky] Sorry to hear about your forfeit tonight, I was looking  
forward to playing you.

 

>"Where've you been? asked Ky. "It's almost time for supper."

Tom: [Ami] Oh, I was... uh... on a date... with Prince.

 

>"I took a walk, and got lost," replied Ami truthfully. Ky smiled.  
>  
>"No sense of direction in that brilliant mind of yours, Ami?"

Mike: [Ky] No clues, no hope, little discerning, some sense of self but  
an overriding depression brought on by insecurity and sheer ignorance.  
Crow: [Ami] Did you miss anything?  
Mike: [Ky] Oh, you actually understood all that? Good girl!

 

>Ami smiled back, but the pounding in her head was almost too much.

Mike: [Ky] No sense of self-preservation in that brilliant mind of  
yours, Ami?

 

>Ami followed Ky to the cafeteria.  
>  
>"How'd you do?"

Tom: [Ami] How's it possible to get red-carded at a chess tournament?

 

>"I won. You did too, I see. Well done, Ami."  
>  
>"Thanks," she replied, trying to ignore her colossal headache.

Crow: For the daughter of a doctor, she picked an odd time to go  
Christian Scientist.

 

>"Did you hear about those girls?" asked Ky. Ami shook her head.

Tom: [Ami] Those girls, those girls, or those other girls?

 

>"Two girls were mugged. They took them to the hospital, but they seem  
>to be fine now. They were found not to far from the main building."

Mike: Because muggers know, when they want the big bucks go target poor  
college kids!

 

>"Geeze, it's not safe anywhere is it?" Ami murmured. She had a strong  
>suspicion that the girls were the ones the Guardian had attacked.

Crow: Ami Drew and the Secret of the Toronto Slasher.

 

>"No, unfortunately," answered Ky. "Come one."  
>  
>"I've got to go to the bathroom," lied Ami. "Any near here?"  
>  
>Ky showered her the way.

Tom: [Ami] Wha...?  
Crow: [Ky] Oops, sorry about that. Scrub my back?

 

>"Can you find your way back? Ky asked.  
>  
>"Easy," replied Ami. 

Mike: Yeah, easy. Three minutes tops she'll be back in that alley.

 

>"Ok then. I'll save you a spot in line."

Mike: [Ky] Better known as 'the back'.

 

>"I won't be long," Ami promised. She enter the rest room.  
>  
>Ami checked all three stalls, then she locked the door. Ami opened up  
>her communicator.

Tom: [Splinter] April? Hey, who are you!?

 

>"Anyone there?" she asked quietly. The screen went fuzzy, then Rei's  
>face appeared in the little screen.  
>  
>"What's up girl?" she asked. "How's your trip?"

Crow: [Ami] Not bad, I've got a concussion, my roomate's trying to  
seduce me and I pwned my opponent with my l33t ch3ss skillz. How  
about you?

 

>"Weird," replied Ami. "There's a Scout here. She seems to know a bit  
>about us. Keep watch out there. I'll report with more tomorrow."

Tom: [Ami] You'd NEVER believe how much information I'm feeding her  
about you jerks.  
Mike: [Rei] Yeah, I'll be sure to watch the Japanese/Canadian borders  
carefully.

 

>"Thanks for the head's up," replied Rei. "Careful up there girl.  
>There's not enough of us to teleport if you need help."

Mike: [Rei] Did I mention Mina and Makoto quit?

 

>"I know. See you, Rei. Say hi to the others. I should have word"  
>  
>"Will do. Bye Ami." Ami slipped her communicator back in her pocket.  
>She felt better now that one of the girls knew what was happening

Crow: [Ami] Now if only *I* can figure out what the hell's going on  
here...

 

>Chapter 5  
>  
>Ami sat in the dark corner silently, in her senshi form. 

Mike: [Ami, thinking] I save lives and they give me a time out for  
flooding the hallway. Ingrates.

 

>"Been waiting long?" asked the voice of Sailor Kotanam  
>"Not really," replied Ami.

Crow: [Ami] I wait until the coming attractions start, then I cast  
"Shabon Spray", then I let everyone leave while I have the theater  
to myself!

 

>"Good."

Tom: [Kotanam] Wait a bit longer, I always meant to teach myself the  
banjo.

 

>The unknown senshi sat on the ground facing Ami.  
>"This is very hard for me to admit," Sailor Kotanam began.

Tom: [Kotanam] I... I'm sorry, Ami, but I just like the dubs better!  
You'll always be Amy! Oh, wait...

 

>"The reason this has happened in your world is my fault.

Mike: [Kotanam] Vincent Van Ghoul warned me, but I just didn't listen.

 

>The armies of Hibroy followed me."

Mike: It couldn't be because of the short skirt, eh?

 

>"Hibroy?" Ami repeated. "Who is he?"

Crow: Secure enough in his masculinity to keep a name like "Hibroy".

 

>"A master of dark arts and mind control from another universe. His  
>minions came after me."  
>"Why?" asked Amy.

Tom: [Kotanam] I kept calling and fake-ordering pizzas for them to  
deliver. Man, some people can't take a joke.

 

>The other senshi smiled bitterly. Ami knew she had asked the most  
>important question.  
>"Because, as the Senshi who guards the gate to all universes, my powers  
>would grant him anything his heart could desire.

Crow: [heart] Less KFC chicken, more KFC salad!

 

>With my power I can change the perception of reality. I could grant him  
>access to any world he wanted." Ami blinked in surprise.  
>"That's amazing. . . ."

Mike: [Kotanam] I can also give you unlimited lives, ammo and the  
ability to moon jump.  
Tom: [Ami] Just keep any nude codes to yourself, 'kay?

 

>"It's a curse," replied the other senshi bitterly. "I've never felt  
>safe. I remember all my past lives, and can draw from those memories,  
>but sometimes an unwanted memory will surface. 

Crow: [Kotanam] Invade Russia... man, was I stupid back then.

 

>Like when I was talking to you.

Mike: How involved are you in a conversation if you're bringing up  
completely unrelated memories?  
Crow: [Kotanam] Wow, I'm now remembering the last time I spoke with  
Kennedy. He wouldn't listen either. At least he looked cute.

 

>In my mind, I could see your parents. I was a member of the Court of  
>Mercury in my former life, and I was a few years older then you. You  
>were so cute when you first learned to control your Bubbles.

Tom: [Ami] Tub ticklers were my speciality.

 

>Now, I find that your power has grown with you."

Mike: [Kotanam] I'll bet your bubbles can take out an entire city block now!

 

>"What happened to you, Sailor Kotanam? Obviously Queen Serenity did  
>not bring you back on earth like everyone else." 

Crow: [Kotanam] Oh, this isn't Ceti Alpha V?

 

>Sailor Kotanam looked away. Her voice was charged with tears.

Crow: And her inhibitions were charged by beers.

 

>"I was killed shortly before your thirteenth birthday. I was only  
>seventeen. . . 

Tom: [Kotanam] They said it was defective candles... I say it was those  
three stooges that baked it.

 

>I was murdered by a boy I loved like a brother."

Mike: [Kotanam] Just because I accidentally erased all his RPG save  
games...

 

>Pain crossed the young girl's face.

Crow: I refuse to believe a breakup and five gallons of "Death by  
Chocolate" makes a homicide, Miss Drama.

 

>"It is not fair. Destiny seems to be against me. 

Tom: Destiny. Kills senshi dead.

 

>The Guardian of Earth, the one who has attacked you twice now, was one  
>of my best friends.

Crow: I'm sure Ami will be your friend too, and she'll try to get you to  
stop talking also.

 

>Because he is under Hibroy's powers, he has tried to kill me several  
>times. It breaks my heart, seeing that inhuman gleam in his eyes.  
>History seems to be repeating itself."

Tom: Out of sheer idle speculation... what does it matter, Kotanam? You  
come back every time anyway...

 

>Ami gave the other senshi a sideways look.

Mike: [Kotanam] And I just don't... Ami? Amy! W-Where did all this fog  
come from!? Don't you DARE ditch me! AMI!!

 

>"It often does," Ami agreed. "But you haven't explained why you have  
>come here."

Crow: [Kotanam] History repeats itself, but not backstory sister. If  
you didn't get it the first time, you won't get it the next.

 

>"The key to freeing all my people is here, on this world." Ami stared  
>in disbelief.

Mike: [Kotanam] Quickie annulments! Where's the Pope?  
Tom: [Kotanam] I seek the one called Rambo.

 

>She had a sneaking suspicions that this would require Serena and the  
>others.

Tom: Oh darn, and here I thought we would get boatloads more of 'My  
Dinner with Kotanam'.

 

>"Hibroy can only affect Lesser Senshi and normal Senshi. The Greater  
>Senshi, like you and I, are immune to his power.

Mike: To that end, he has taxed the people for years to build the  
biggest chocolate mines in existence.  
Crow: So, Hibroy's power falls somewhere between the power of positive  
thinking and the power of cheese?

 

>Further more, anyone touched by this key is freed from his spell, and  
>cannot ever fall under his powers again."

Crow: Wait up here! You came *here* to find the key, and you've had it  
on your own keychain the whole time?!

 

>"The Silver Imperial Crystal," Ami whispered, giving the other senshi  
>a hard look. "That's what you're after, isn't it?"  
>"Yes."  
>Ami stood. 

Mike: [Ami] From one chess player to another, I won't be your pawn.  
Crow: [Kotanam] I can take hostages if needed.

 

>"I cannot help you. Only the Moon Princess could give that to you. I  
>don't think she would, not unless she thought she could trust you  
>completely."

Tom: [Ami] Would you settle for the Silver Imperial Three-Handled Moss-  
Covered Family Credenza?  
Crow: [Kotanam] Does that come with or without "The Kramer"?

 

>"If she doesn't, I'll have to force her. The fate of many worlds  
>hinges on this." 

Crow: Because trust is all about the use of force.

 

>The other senshi gave Ami the impression that she did not care at all  
>about what happened to Serena.

Mike: That's odd, I'm getting the impression that Ami is denser than a  
mile of mercury.  
Crow: [Ami] Why... you're not even going to handle the funeral  
arrangements, are you!?

 

>Ami gave the other senshi another dark look. 

Crow: [Bela Lugosi] Ooh, what a look I'll give you!

 

>So that was how it was to be? Fine then, she could play by those rules  
>too.

Tom: [Ami] I'm going to write horrible things about you on the bathroom  
stall! In Japanese, English AND French!

 

>"If you try and force her into anything, Sailor Kotanam, you will find  
>angry senshi on your doorstep.

Mike: All 583 of them.

 

>No one will let her be hurt." Ami stepped back into the shadows. 

Mike: [Ami] Well, good! Cause I am TOTALLY vengeance! And the night!  
Tom: Either Ami thinks she's in a Rockstar game or she's going all ninja  
on us.

 

>"Good luck on your quest, but take care that you don't hurt anyone I  
>care about, or you may find yourself being reborn."

Tom: [Kotanam] This falls right into my plan... for no one can refuse a  
SCREAMING BABY!!

 

>She jumped up into the rafters above, and sat silently, waiting to see  
>what Kotanam would do next.

Crow: [Ami] I'm a bat now... squeak squeak...

 

>"I don't want to hurt anyone," the senshi said, thinking she was  
>alone. "I just want my friends back."

Crow: [Kotanam] Who'll be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My  
fingernail transplants? Who will I blame my mistakes on?  
Mike: [Ami] Ha ha! You're talking to yourself! Oops!

 

>Ami watched the senshi leave, then she jumped down from her hiding  
>place among the rafters. She picked up the bag she had hid behind a  
>garbage bin.

Tom: I always thought "Ami" was really the mild-mannered janitor.

 

>She took out the tape recorder, and turned it off.

Mike: [Ami] I'm taking this evidence straight to the dean's office!  
Let's see Kotanam threaten Serena from DETENTION! 

 

>Ami left the dark ally, and went off to find another private place  
>where she could send this to her friends.

Crow: Oh, her imaginary friends aren't in the same imaginary rafters  
that Ami imaginarily hid in?

 

>They needed to know. Serena needed to be on her guard. Odds were, that  
>if the Sailor Kotanum knew about the Silver Crystal, so did the enemy.

Tom: Oh, that's fine, the enemy already won the eBay auction.  
Mike: As a matter of fact, Serena had already posted "A++++++" even  
BEFORE this conversation!

 

>Serena frowned.  
>"This isn't good, Ames. Thanks for the heads up."

Tom: [Serena] But next time, warn me AFTER 8pm, okay? This call is  
costing me a fortune!

 

>"Yeah," added Rei, the face on the communicator changing to hers. 

Mike: I had a Mickey Mouse watch that could do that...

 

>"We'll watch out for this Sailor Kotanam You watch out for yourself out  
>there, Ami."

Tom: It's good to know that the Senshi are so proactive in such urgent  
matters.  
Crow [Rei] And hey, let's be careful out there people.

 

>"I can handle five more days, guys," Ami told them. "Try and protect Rini  
>too. She might become a target."

Crow: The best case I've ever heard for digging a deep deep hole and  
hiding her in it.

 

>"Good thinking, girlfriend!" exclaimed Lita, 

Mike: [Lita] You go, girl! Outta sight! Cowabunga!

 

>her face taking the place of Rei's. "Have fun!" Then the communicator  
>shut off.

Tom: It ran out of faces.

 

>"Fat chance of that happening," Amy thought. "Oh well. It's almost  
>supper time. Better get going before Ky realizes I'm gone." 

Mike: [Ami] I'm going to be needing some pretty solid alibis soon...  
Crow: Aww shoot, my shift's starting.  
Tom: Let's vamoose.

[To be continued in part 2 of 3]


	2. Chapter 2

MSTing of "[None yet Suggestions welcome in Reviews!]" by  
Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7, part 2 of 3:

 

\---Satellite of Love

As the dog-bone door closed, Mike and Tom were at the desk. There  
were cards spread all over and in front of Tom was a card-holder with  
four cards upright in front of him.

"Okay, let's see," Mike said, contemplating his hand. "I activate  
Black Bishop and Knight two and engage three File cards to play my Rank  
5 card. Dangit, that's a file burn, I lose a pawn. Do you have any  
interrupts?"

"You betcha, Mike, pick up the third card there," Tom instructed.  
Mike put his hand over the cards but was quickly interrupted by Servo.  
"Third card, third card, from the left."

"Ahh," Mike replied. He turned the card, which was marked "Challenge  
\-- must discard piece(s) of strength two or greater". Mike consulted  
the cards in front of him. "I choose to discard two more of my pawns,  
Tom, I've got three left."

"Sweet!" Tom cried. "Pick up the second card, Mike."

"Okay... aww crap, "Pin - Queen Trample". Hokay, it says "five or  
less", which piece did you manage to pin?"

"There's been no action on your rooks, so I take the knight!" Tom  
chuckled.

"Now, I need to play either a check interrupt or another threaten,  
it's my turn to draw again..." Mike trailed off as Crow reentered the  
deck, dressed in a lime-green sailor fuku with sky-blue bows. "Oh, hey  
Crow," Mike said nonchalantly.

"Shush! Mike, I'm 'Sailor Telstar' when I'm at work!" Crow protested.  
"Bad news though, guys, there's a reorg goin' on."

Tom chuckled as Mike rearranged his cards. "Oh, you don't say. Hope  
you get to keep your red stapler," Mike replied.

"Yeah, it sounds like now I'll be put in the R&D department. Man, I  
hate that, they're usually crash-test dummies. And now I've got a  
dotted line boss, Sailor Pointy-Haired Senshi. Already they need me to  
document my processes for ISO 9001..."

"Uhh, what processes Crow?"

"TELSTAR! Well, I.. uhh.... I just eat the donuts, really."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Mike mused. "Okay, Tom, I drew a  
check card, waiting on you..."

"Dammit, Nelson, this always happens every time you shuffle!" Tom  
complained.

Mike sighed and turned back to Crow. "Now what, Tailor Selstar?"

"Aww, I'll just realign myself with the division they're trying to  
spin off, try to catch the next reorg just right, and keep my finger  
in the wind," Crow said. "Welp, break's over, time to get back to  
work!" He rushed offscreen.

Tom stared after him. "I thought you told me that he was a temp."

"Yeah, poor guy..." Mike replied. "He's with Manpower, the second  
that they spin off they'll renegotiate the contractors. C'mon,  
Servo, go... I've got a stopped clock card with your name on it."

"Oh, here it is Mike, I just found it... checkmate," Tom stated  
blithely.

"Hey," Mike protested, "that card's from the banned Fischer expansion  
set!"

"We didn't set any ground rules," Tom reminded him in a sing-song  
voice.

"Come on, Servo, it's a -12! All it takes is a queen and a bishop,  
or both rooks and two pawns! That'd never happen in real life! If I  
took that much, I'd win by default!" Mike protested.

"It can so happen!" Tom contradicted. "What if you were pawn-blocked,  
or didn't deploy correctly?"

"Look at the board, I've got like no pawns left!" Mike sighed. Just  
then, the lights started flashing wildly. "Oh, we've got FIC SIGN!"  
Mike yelled.

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom.)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you  
inside.)

 

Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third  
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far right  
seat.

 

Tom: Man, you're lucky. Saved by the bell.  
Mike: This isn't over, I know where my Mox Rooks are.

>Chapter 6  
>  
>The week passed very quickly. 

Mike: Otherwise known as "It's montage time!"  
Crow: (singing) You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep  
you down!

 

>Ami found the matches were getting harder every day, but she continued  
>to win. 

Crow: [Ami as Bull Hurley] YOU AIN'T SHIT!! Checkmate. RRRRRRRAAAARGH!!!  
Tom: Ami for the top! YEAH!!!

 

>Nothing odd had happened since Sailor Kotanam had told her about  
>wanting the Silver Crystal. It was Friday now, the second last day of  
>competition. Ami and Ky were both playing in the semifinals. 

Crow: [Ami] You know, this will be SO satisfying when I knock your loud-  
snoring always-talking insensitive-clod-of-an-ass OUT of this  
tournament!  
Mike: [Ky] Look who's talking you obsessive-compulsive whacked-out  
Japanese space-case!  
Tom: I think this will be the first time that the words "Forfeited due  
to removal of bishop from nasal cavity" will ever be uttered.

 

>"Checkmate." The young Canadian she was playing grinned.  
>"Good job Ami," she said.  
>"Thanks."  
>"Good luck at the Finals tomorrow." She shook Ami's hand. "I bet you'll  
>win."

Mike: So either Ky is the young Canadian, or the tournament thought it  
would be an AWESOME idea to make both semifinals play at the same time?  
Tom: Well, you can only stretch the awesomeness of a chess tournament so  
far....  
Mike: I can't imagine how the tens of people who stuck around for it  
didn't have their brains explode from the raw passion.

 

>Ami felt her cheeks grow hot.  
>  
>"I'm not that good," she protested. The girl laughed. 

Crow: False modesty is the key to humor? Damn, we've had it completely  
wrong all these years...

 

>"Sure you are," she replied, as she headed off. "I'll see you at the  
>winner's circle."  
>"Bye!" called Ami as the girl disappeared out the door.

Crow: [Ami] Wow, what a good sport... wait, did she just compare me to a  
horse!?

 

>Ami wandered up to the spectator's area, and watched Ky play her  
>adversary. Ami had heard that Ky's opponent was a "queen grabber".

Crow: It's been years, I thought that most of Freddie Mercury's  
boyfriends were dead by now.

 

>Sure enough, Ky did not have her queen. She did, however, seem to have  
>control over the board.

Tom: Finally, we get to see the real-life story of Enron.

 

>"Checkmate," Ky said. The boy she was playing frowned.  
>"But I had your queen!" he protested.

Mike: [Ky] And I had your baby. Now we're even, jerk!  
Tom: Hey, buddy, a word of advice: next time, check her sleeves.

 

>Ami smiled to herself. The queen, though easily the most powerful  
>piece, was not the most important piece.

Crow: That was the gat that Rico was waving around a half-hour ago.

 

>Ky had trapped the boy with knights and pawns, no small feat. She knew  
>what she was doing.

Mike: Properly chastised, Billy took off. But he also had the only  
chess board, so the tournament was called.

 

>Ami went down to congratulate her friend. The room filled with a thick  
>smoke. 

Crow: Ami lit up another one of her trademark cigars.  
Mike: [Ami as Hannibal Smith] I love it when a gambit comes together.

 

>Ami staggered around. The smoke burned her lungs and stung her eyes.  
>She sat down.

Tom: [Ky] Sorry, that's just leftovers from my winning pyro.  
Crow: The fireworks and the theme song blaring in the background are a  
bit much, aren't they?

 

>"Princess, we know you are here," said the familiar voice of the Earth  
>Guardian.

Mike: And if pressed, Earth Guardian can do a damned good Jerry Lewis.  
Tom: [Guardian] Freundlaven!  
Crow: [Guardian] Oh senshi LAAAA-DYYYYY!

 

>"Come out," chimed a second male voice. Ami managed to escape into a  
>nearby bathroom as people fled.

Mike: What a time to get a case of Mulroney's Revenge.

 

>"Mercury Crystal Power!"  
>Ami returned to the smoke-filled room. 

Crow: ...only to have her impassioned battle cry of love and justice  
drowned out by the piercing shriek of the smoke alarms.  
Mike: So in essence, the room already took away the ONE power she  
possesses.

 

>"Mercury bubbles blast!" Her bubbles forced the smoke away.

Tom: *sigh*. Well, breathing is overrated anyway...

 

>Two Guardians stood in the center of the room. No one else seemed to  
>be there.

Crow: Crap, the smoke failed! Prepare the mirrors!

 

>"You again?" sighed the Guardian of Earth. "Fire, take her down."

Tom: But if there is now no smoke, how can there be fire?

 

>"With pleasure," the other Guardian replied. He swept back his red  
>cape and pulled out a large gun. He aimed it at Ami. 

Mike: [Fire] Heh heh, wasn't expecting gunFIRE, were ya?  
Crow: Guest Guardian -- Darkwing Duck.

 

>"You nightmares will be ours!" cried the Guardian of Fire.

Tom: [Ami] Good, you be the one wearing a bra and panties while talking  
in front of the whole school!

 

>He fired the gun. A long, thin beam of black energy shot out, and hit  
>Ami in the chest. She cried out in pain, and fell to the ground,  
>darkness surrounding her.

Mike: Well, I guess that eliminates the need for "Kill Ami, Vol. 2"

 

>***** ***** ****** ******** ****** ***** ***** **** *** 

Tom: I'd like to buy a vowel. An E?

 

>She swore heavily. She was too late. Sailor Mercury had been hit!

Crow: [girl] What are you guys doing? It was only supposed to be an  
exhibition!

 

>"Fire I am sorry to see you here."  
>"Don't be," he sneered. She frowned. The real Daniel was kind and  
>gentle.

Tom: If only he hadn't taken a complimentary one-year training coupon  
from the Cobra Kai.

 

>"You will join us soon enough, or you will die."  
>"You forget, I am an Elite Senshi." She readied her staff. She could  
>not use her Kotanam Gate now. They were too close to Mercury.

Mike: Oh, just wait a couple days, it'll go into retrograde.

 

>She blocked an attack as the Guardian of Fire unleashed Hibroy's  
>powerful gun. The beam bounced off her staff as she brought it up to  
>defend herself.

Crow: She learned that one playing goalie for the Manitoba Moose.

 

>"Sailor Kotanam, you will not escape this time," the Guardian of Earth  
>said.  
>"I don't want to hurt either of you, but you are not leaving me any  
>choice."

Mike: I'm beginning to think that this isn't a musical.

 

>"You cannot hide on this planet forever. Soon our Master will come and  
>use the nightmares of all who dwell on this pathetic planet to build  
>his empire."

Crow: Steven Spielburg?  
Tom: I would have guessed Tim Burton myself.

 

>"I will kill you if I must. This is the last time I give you a chance  
>to keep fighting."

Mike: [Kotanam] And if you don't keep fighting me, I'll have no choice  
but to... fight... you? Huh?

 

>"Fighting? Why would we fight our master? He has given us incredible  
>power."

Crow: Like this large and powerful gun previously mentioned and fired!

 

>She had accomplished what she had set out to do.

Crow: She killed two pages of fanfic.  
Tom: And here I thought only love padded the 'fic.  
Crow: Love pads, she plods.  
Mike: That was the most amazing jump cut ever. Epilogue, anyone?

 

>She had stalled them long enough for Mercury to regain her senses.

Crow: Regain her senses from a BULLET, people!  
Mike: Fire forgot to check the side of the gun, where "NERF" was clearly  
printed.

 

>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" The two Guardians were frozen in place  
>instantly.

Crow: It's a good thing Ami woke up, or Kotanam would have to admit she  
ordered the Code Red.

 

>"You alright, Mercury?"  
>"Fine," the other senshi replied. "Get rid of them. 

Crow: [Mercury] Allow me to break the ice.

 

>Though, I must say your way isn't working too well."

Tom: [Mercury] I almost fell back unconscious when you were opening  
that phone book.  
Crow: [Mercury] What if you just keep talking, and another preachy  
superhero shows up? Or Ultimate Warrior? Ever think of that?

 

>She smiled. The other senshi had a very valid point.  
>"Kotanam Gate!" The two Guardians, her former friends, disappeared in  
>a swirling column of light.

Mike: And just like generations of other away parties, she never even  
bothered to hit her badge to request the beam out.

 

>She closed her eyes. She hated this. She just had to get the Silver  
>Crystal. . . .  
>Mercury was suddenly beside her.

Tom: [Mercury] What'cha thinkin' 'bout??  
Crow: It must be purple nurple time!

 

>"What did they do to me?" she demanded.  
>"Nothing, actually. If you had not been protected they would have  
>taken control of your nightmares and of your body."

Mike: And the 'fic takes a hard right into fetishism.

 

>"My nightmares?" the other senshi repeated. "What good would they do?"

Crow: Comic relief, mostly.  
Tom: It'd give this fanfic a good reason to break into a dream sequence,  
radically increasing the words...

 

>"Your nightmares keep you in reality. Otherwise your dreams would be  
>so beautiful that you'd never want to leave.

Mike: Endless dreaming about James Blunt? I can't think of a worse  
nightmare!

 

>People would sleep their lives away. Dreams and nightmares must always  
>be in balance, so the more beautiful a person's dream the more horrific  
>their nightmares, thus the more powerful." Mercury blinked.

Tom: [Mercury] Can you state that in the form of a mathematical  
equation?

 

>"And if you lose your nightmares?"  
>"You lose control of your body. Hibroy takes it over, giving it one of  
>his nightmares, from which there is no awakening without help.

Crow: So essentially, Hibroy is a cheap knock-off of Freddy Krueger.  
Mike: It's a Nightmare on Yonge Street!

 

> Your spirit is trapped, and your body does Hibroy's will." Mercury  
>shuddered. "That's terrible," she whispered.

Tom: [Mercury] Though I always wanted to be in the movies....  
Mike: [Kotanam] Hibroy's previous experiments involved kidnapping and  
forced 'fic reading, but he found the mind control ray much less messy.

 

>"You'll help me?" The other senshi paused, and finally shook her head.

Crow: [Mercury] I left my change in my other compassion... err, fuku!

 

>"I won't try and stop you, unless you make a move against the Moon  
>Princess.

Crow: [Mercury] Because I already asked her out and she's giving the  
matter serious consideration!

 

>Then you and I will face off." She gave a helpless shrug.

Mike: [Mercury] See? Canadian slang. I'm already reaching across  
cultures.

 

>"You can't win."  
>"You'd be surprised," Mercury replied with a little smile. "We'd best  
>get out of here.

Tom: [Mercury] The scene's not getting any warmer.

 

>Good luck, Kotanam. You'll need it." She disappeared out the door.  
>"I don't put faith in luck." 

Crow: [Kotanam] For good reason. I found a far more malignant force...  
I call it "my author".

 

>Chapter 7  
>  
>Ami awoke early that morning. It was time.

Tom: Solemnly, she donned her fingerless chess gloves, tied her chess  
bandanna around her head and emerged from her dressing room in her  
chess robe, surrounded by security guards. As she lightly jogged down  
an overexposed hallway to her theme music, she pushed her way through  
sequined curtains to the thunderous roar of the crowd, her body bathed  
with camera flashes as she performed her trademark poses before  
approaching the cheap wooden table with her opponent sitting across  
from her.  
Mike: [Ky] Gonna bust you up.  
Crow: [Ami] Go for it.

 

>The finals were right after breakfast. She wanted to be alert for her  
>match against Ky. She had a feeling she would need it. 

Tom: One jumbo box of Timbits later, a vibrating Ami hovered to her  
match.

 

>Ky and Ami entered the game room together. This time there was no idle  
>banter, no laughter between friends. This time they were opponents.

Mike: And nothing says 'deathmatch until the end between slobbering  
insanely-mad competitors' like two schoolgirls at a chess tournament.  
Crow: [Ami] Say, did you check out the new novel from...  
Tom: [Ky] NO IDLE BANTER!  
Crow: [Ami] Sorry, sorry!

 

>Ky's eyes sparkled with determination. Ami nodded at her friend once,  
>and Ky gave her a half smile.

Mike: [Ami] Hey, how in hell did you get a first- through thirty-eighth  
round bye?  
Tom: [Ky] Let's just say my knees are killing me.  
Mike: [Ami] Oh, so that's why your cheering section is the whole  
stadium.

 

>"Play all out," Ky said to her as she took her seat. "I don't want to  
>beat you unless you are going full out."

Crow: Ami shrugged and pushed Ky off her chair and down to the hard  
wooden floor.

 

>"Don't worry about beating me, Ky." Ky looked amused. She turned her  
>attention down to the chess board then, no longer meeting Ami's gaze.

Crow: [Ky] Hey, wait, don't I get $1500 to start? And I wanted to be  
the car!!

 

>Ami played with all her might. She thought through every move before she  
>made it, watching Ky's pieces as well as her own.

Tom: Where's John Madden when I need him!?  
Crow: [John Madden] And watch Ami's bishop... here! Bam! Smashed the stack!  
Watch it again... Bam!

 

>She spotted a weakness in her friend's defense. She took Ky's white  
>queen with her own black queen. 

Mike: Go Beyonce! Beat up Britney!

 

>"Check," Ami said softly. She scanned the board. Too late, she realized  
>her error.

Crow: And after three weeks of near-constant battles interspersed with  
matches and Canada, Ami realized that she forgot the difference between  
a knight and a rook.

 

>Ky's face broke into a huge grin. She took Ami's queen with her rook.  
>Ami cringed.

Mike: I would too, most novice chess-players wouldn't be so dense.  
Tom [Ami, sobbing] Why don't you grow some hair?!

 

>"Check mate, Ami." Ami smiled, and shook Ky's hand. 

Crow: ...quickly palming the hundred dollar bill as she did so.  
Tom: [Ami] You inconsiderate bitch, didn't even warn me of check on the  
move prior, rot in hell and good game.

 

>After awards the two finalists had to do promotional photo sessions. 

Crow: Ami squeezed into the loser's bikini while Ky just wore laurel  
leaves in strategic spots.

 

>Ami smiled until her face felt it would crack.  
>  
>"Just another few shots, girls," the photographer said from behind his  
>camera.

Mike: I suspect an Ed Wood film is sneaking around here somewhere.  
Tom: [photographer] Now now, ladies, this is perfectly legitimate!  
After all, our readers sure love their chests... CHESS! CHESS!!!

 

>Ami sighed inwardly, and repositioned herself in the old wooden chair.  
>The ground began to shake.

Mike: [Ami] H-H-Hey, who set this thing to S-Swedish m-m-massage!?

 

>Ami shot to her feet just after Ky did. Ky ran out the door. It slammed  
>shut behind her, trapping Ami and the photographer in the room. The  
>photographer banged on the door.

Crow: [Ky] What's the password?  
Mike: [photographer] LET US OUT YOU CRAZY BITCH BEFORE WE GET CRUSHED?  
Crow: [Ky] Sorry, that was last week's password.

 

>"Lemme out!" he cried.  
>  
>"Sorry, buddy," said the voice of a young girl. Ami looked around. She  
>spotted three people standing on the stage, under the lights. "But we  
>need hostages."

Tom: Oh NO! Not another Three Lights concert! NOOOOOO!!!

 

>The photographer went deathly pale. The three people moved, and Ami  
>could recognize them. The two men that stood on either side of the  
>young girl where the Guardians of Earth and Fire.

Crow: Wind was still in the bathroom... passing gas.

 

>The girl was dressed in a Senshi uniform. It was all green, much like  
>Jupiter's uniform. The gem on her tiara had a tree sillowet in white  
>outline.

Mike: Psst, Senshi wannabe... you may want to take the price tag off.  
Tom: [Ami] Nice cosplay outfit! Let me get my camera, Makoto will get a  
real kick out of it!

 

>Ami stepped bravely in front of the man.  
>  
>"Let him go. I'll. . . I'll co-operate with you, but let him go." The  
>girl laughed. 

Crow: [girl] You'll co-operate? What do you think this is? Sesame  
Street?  
Mike: [Ami] I'll even develop a raging case of Stockholm Syndrome. He  
was my first-ever photographer, don't hurt him!

 

>"Think you're so brave then, do you? Sorry, no deal." 

Tom: [Ami] And here I was sympathetic to your cause too! Err, wait,  
what cause are you on anyway?  
Crow: [Ami] OK, sir, since you're going to die anyway, I'm using you as  
a battering ram. Try not to hyperventilate when the first few shots  
hit you and don't slump, I said DON'T SLUMP!!!

 

>"The two of us could raise quite a commotion," Ami warned softly. This  
>time the two Guardians laughed.

Mike [Guardian, laughing] It... It's like being scolded by Fred Rogers!

 

>"That's what we want. You'll draw the Senshi to us." Ami sighed  
>heavily. She couldn't save the man without transforming. 

Crow: So she settled for a right cross, downing the man long enough to  
transform and think up an excuse worthy of Clark Kent. 

 

>She put her hand in her pocket, touching her transformation pen.  
>Reluctantly, she glanced back at the door, wondering if she could break  
>through. She smiled when she noticed the hinges were on the inside.

Tom: Was this before or after she noticed that the ceiling was half  
acoustical tile and half pencil garden?

 

>"Distract them," she urged the man. He nodded, and flew at the girl  
>brandishing a wooden chair.

Mike: (chuckling) Wow, this guy doesn't hold anything back, does he?  
Tom: [Ami] Dude, I said, distract! Not maim!

 

>Ami quickly pulled the door hinges up. The door swung open, then fell  
>to the ground.

Mike: No, seriously, it takes me like five minutes to do that with my  
door at home. And we're talking a short Japanese schoolgirl to boot.  
What's the deal here?

 

>Ami lunged at their three captors with a loud cry. Startled, they  
>looked at her. The photographer fled. 

Crow: Three ostensibly super-powered people versus a photographer and a  
schoolgirl... and they FAIL.  
Mike: Oh, I understand now, these "Guardian" and "Senshi" titles must  
all be ceremonial.

 

>Ami turned to follow after him, when vines wrapped around her legs. She  
>fell to the ground. 

Tom: The vines clearly hate the dub just as much as we do.  
Crow: Oh, I get it now! The girl is green is Poison Ivy! Actually,  
somehow that's even sadder.

 

>"Clever kid," the Guardian of Fire said, helping the girl lift Ami,  
>tying her to the wooden chair with the vines.. "But that won't save you  
>in the end."

Crow: So does the Guardian of Fire ever actually USE fire at any point?  
Tom: Yeah, he's more like the Guardian of Whatever the Hell He Can Find  
In His Backyard.

 

>Ami struggled against the vines, and hoped that Sailor Kotanam would  
>show up in time.  
>  
>"Hey, Senshi, better show your face soon, or this girl will join us!"

Crow: How come I'm expecting the girl to twirl her mustache any moment  
now?

 

>"I'll never join you!" They laughed at her.

Mike: "Caption-- HA HA HA HA HA!"

 

>"You will. Everyone falls in the end." The Senshi grinned at her.  
>"You're nothing special."

Tom: [Ami] You're right! I now know that peer pressure is the only  
impetus to do anything! Bite me, ABC After-School specials, I'm gonna  
be bad now!

 

>"You're wrong," said a new voice. "This girl has a brilliant mind,  
>Woods."

Crow: [Voice] No matter how many times I tell her to clean her room!  
Mike: [Ami] Mom!?

 

>Ami sighed in relief. Sailor Kotanam had come. 

Tom: "Caption-- My hero!"

 

>Sailor Kotanam entered through the broken door. A scowl was set on her  
>face. "Can't Hibroy come up with a new plan besides attack civilians?"

Crow: [girl] Well, we tried attacking the military but they had all  
sorts of guns and stuff.

 

>"Shut up, Kotanam," replied the girl, the one that Kotanam had  
>addressed as "Woods".  
>  
>"Gladly, if you let the girl go." She held her staff out before her.  
>The gems in it flashed on their own accord.

Crow: Are you sure the "glitter stickers" aren't catching the "light"  
and "glittering"?  
Tom: [Kotanam] And it only cost me 3000 games of Skee-ball at Chuck E.  
Cheese!

 

>Kotanam looked over at Ami for a brief moment, surprise shining in her  
>eyes. Ami frowned, wondering what the other Senshi saw.

Tom: [Kotanam] Wait, weren't there supposed to be five people in this  
scene?

 

>Suddenly, a black beam shot at Sailor Kotanam. She rolled out of the  
>way. The beam slammed into Ami.

Mike: [Ami] Yes, thank goodness Sailor Kotanam came so I could take yet  
another shot for the team. *sigh*

 

>Ami expected to black out, as she had the first time she had been hit  
>by the beam. She expected that the beam would reveal her true identity,  
>that she was what Kotanam had called an Elite Senshi.

Crow: Instead, it just marked "2nd PLACE" on her forehead as all the  
occupants of the room laughed.

 

>The black beam crackled around her, and turned silver. Ami stared,  
>open-mouthed, as a silver beam shot off her, and slammed back into the  
>Sailor of the Woods.

Tom: The international Domino Theory, played out in a bunch of wannabe  
superheroes and ineffectual villains.

 

>The other Senshi went flying backward. She slumped to the ground, and  
>didn't move.

Tom: When renting the pneumatic catapults, make sure that there are  
scenes written for them.

 

>The two Guardians looked flabbergasted. Kotanam took advantage of the  
>situation immediately. 

Crow: [Kotanam] One shoelace... other shoelace... SCORE!

 

>"Kotanam Gate!" she cried. The two Guardians disappeared into  
>the swirling black vortex, but the Senshi remained.  
>  
>Sailor Kotanam awoke the unconscious Senshi with simple smelling  
>salts. 

Mike: And a simple loud "HEY!" in her ear.  
Tom: When that failed, she just slapped her silly. Wasn't effective,  
but it was at least therapeutic to Kotanam.

 

>"Princess Kotanam?" the girl whispered, coming awake. "What, what  
>happened?"  
>  
>"Shush now, sister Senshi.

Tom: [Senshi] Am I one of the Seven now?

 

>This girl saved you. Now, I will send you to a safe place,

Tom: [Kotanam] Just Visiting.  
Crow: [Kotanam] Just wait for your contact, Chocolate Mousse, he will  
provide more instructions.

 

>but only after I deal with the girl. Are you alright?"  
>  
>"I am. Thank you. The horror. . . . 

Crow :It should be arriving any minute now. Any minute now.... any  
minute.  
Mike: Keep trying to delude yourself, the audience needs more  
convincing.

 

>Oh, Kotanam, you just can't imagine it. I'm so sorry. . . ."  
>  
>"It's not your fault, sister Senshi. Hibroy's powers are beyond yours,  
>but that is nothing to be ashamed of."

Mike: [Kotanam] If only you could get at his evidence, those photos of  
you and Charlie Sheen...

 

>The Senshis gingerly touched Kotanam's hand. She rose.  
>  
>"I will wait for you in the nearest woods." 

Mike: [Senshi] I'll be cavorting with a few local satyrs.  
Crow: Ummm, you're in Toronto? What woods? The local Ikea?

 

>"Alright. I'll find you shortly." The Sailor of the Woods disappeared  
>in an explosion of leaves. 

Tom: She died as she lived, crinkly and smelly when smouldering.

 

>Sailor Kotanam came over to Ami and untied her bonds. 

Crow: [Ami] But I didn't give the safe word yet.

 

>"Thank you," she said simply. Ami stared.  
>  
>"For what?"  
>  
>"For freeing my cousin. I don't know how you did that, but it's clear  
>you've been touched by the Silver Crystal.

Tom: [Ami] And I still have the welts to prove it!

 

>Even if that means nothing to you. . . . Any way, thank you." Then she  
>disappeared into a red swirling portal.

Mike: No, you fool! That's the Kool-Aid Man's dimension! None have  
ever returned from its delicious depths!  
Crow: (muffled) OH YEAHHH!!!

 

>Ami shook her head. She headed off to find Ky.  
>  
>Chapter 8  
>  
>Ky was packing up when Ami arrived back at their room.

Tom: [Ky] Hand me those troubles over there, please, they go on top of  
my cares.  
Crow: Ami peered inside the suitcase. Literally hundreds of queens were  
strewn about, in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

 

>She seemed to have forgotten all about what had happened at the photo  
>shoot. Ami had noticed that no one seemed to remember any of the  
>attacks. She figured that Kotanam had some ability to obscure what had  
>happened.

Crow: [Ami] What about US?!?  
Mike: Or... Ky's just a filthy coward who left Ami and that  
photographer for dead... maybe you should, y'know, make sure?

 

>"Going so soon?" she asked, sitting beside her friend.  
>  
>"Yeah. My plane's in an hour. You played well today."

Mike: [Ky] But POORLY.  
Crow: [Ky] Thirty minutes... you know, I can usually carry my little  
brother that long before I finish him off, too.

 

>"Thanks Ky. Will you write?"

Tom: [Ky] Oh, you haven't seen either my series of Newberry-Award-  
winning childrens' books or my Pulitzer column in the Vancouver Sun?  
Mike: [Ami] Go so to hell, Ky.

 

>"If I can," she replied reluctantly.

Mike: [Ky] I already get squiggly letters from some Charlie Brown kid.

 

>Ky looked up. Ami frowned, puzzled, as Ky went back to her work. If she  
>could? What was that supposed to mean.

Crow: That she lost every bit of her knowledge and learning to figure  
out this "chess" game.

 

>Ky was all ready to go.  
>  
>"Thank you, Ami," Ky said softly. Ky hugged her tightly. Ami returned  
>the hug.

Mike: [Ami] It's too small and insincere. Take it back.

 

>Ky sniffled back a tear.

Tom: [Ky] SNNNNNNNNFFFFFF... okay, I'm over you now.

 

>"You've really helped me, Ames.

Crow: [Ky] Your miserable and pathetic defeat will only serve to  
brighten my day for the next forty-five seconds. Care to play again?

 

>Goodbye. I wish you a good life." Without another word, Ky headed off  
>down the hall.

Mike: And Ami breathed a sigh of relief at Shelley Long's disappearance.  
Tom: Only to cry as Kirstie Alley made her debut soon after.

 

>"Goodbye, Ky!" Ami called out. It was only then, as Ky disappeared into  
>the elevator, that Ami realized that she never asked Ky for her  
>address, and Ky had never asked for hers.

Crow: The brush off was mutual, no further words were needed.

 

>Ami sighed. "Goodbye, Ky." Ami then started to pack up her things.

Mike: And we're still seeing this *why*?

 

>She would not leave for another twenty four hours, but there was no  
>reason for her to keep out her chess set.

Tom: Ami knew she'd never recover that pawn she stuck up Ky's nose  
though.

 

>That's when she noticed it. Sitting on her pillow was the white queen  
>of Ky's chess set, next to a note.

Mike: A, two notes below middle C.

 

>Ami picked it up and examined it. Her hands shook and she nearly  
>dropped it in surprise. The queen had changed. It now looked like a  
>crystal version of the Moon Princess, holding the Moon Scepter over her  
>head.

Mike: It's a good thing that the Bonk Branch survived Final Fantasy 1.

 

>Ami picked up the note.  
>  
>"Dear Ami," she read aloud, "this is my gift to you.

Crow: [Ky] I couldn't smuggle in the horse's head, so a reminder of your  
humiliation should be sufficient.  
Tom: Accompanied by a drawing of Ky's middle finger.

 

>You helped me through a really rough time, and I wanted you to know  
>that. Keep this close to your heart. You will always have a place in  
>mine. Ky. . . ."  
>  
>Ami realized that she was crying. Somehow she had become close friends  
>with Ky.

Mike: It was so unexplainable that the author didn't even account for  
it.  
Tom: [Author] Just believe it! It REALLY happened!

 

>She never would have guessed it, but Ky was really a good friend. Ami  
>was going to miss her.

Crow: Not half as much as I'm going to miss the lemon scene we were  
gypped out of.

 

>**************************************************** ******** >* * * ** 

Tom: Finally, a keyboard that just says "Screw you and your scene  
changes."

 

>She looked over the five friends, in their four homes. Everything had  
>to be perfect. She had to force the Princess into revealing herself.

Mike: We now take ths opportunity to present a logic puzzle!  
Crow: If only the houses flashed like in that "Ghostbusters" game.  
Tom: Just yell 'Free cake!' that'll bring her out in seconds.

 

>She tried to picture the Senshi in her mind, but could only draw a  
>blank.

Crow: [Kotanam] If only Japan had a poster or some sort of merchandise  
with her picture on it!  
Tom: [Kotanam] Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have thrown out that company  
directory.

 

>She silently cursed the magic that hid the identities of Senshis as she  
>praised it as well. After all, it just wouldn't do for the Princess to  
>realize that she was being watched.

Crow: [Kotanam, muttering] Take it off, take it off, take it off.....

 

>She took a long time trying to choose. She settled on the Princess' s  
>best friend and her cousin.

Mike: Because all that annoying mushroom would tell her was to look in  
another castle.

 

>That would provide her with the access she needed. They would be easy  
>to manipulate.

Tom: [Kotanam] Psst! Hey, got some caviar to eat and some polo ponies  
to ride! Y'interested?  
Mike: [Kotanam] A net on this side for them to run into, a Camilla mask,  
and I'm set.

 

>She landed softly on the roof.  
>  
>"Reality Buster," she whispered. Dark energy snaked out of her staff,  
>covering the household and everyone within it.

Crow: The role of Kotanam will now be played by The Shade.  
Mike: So the hero suffocates the innocent people with her carbon  
monoxide rod.

 

>She then floated back up toward the portal.  
>  
>"You will be aid us, Princess. Whatever it takes, you will serve our  
>cause." 

Tom: [Kotanam] For starters, we'll work on reinstating the law of  
gravity. HELPPPP!!!

 

>Then she let the portal take her back.

Mike: [Kotanam] You may commence the sucking.  
Tom: She can't wait to tell Mr. Tumnus.

 

>Chapter 9  
>  
>Ami shifted her bag. It was cutting painfully into her shoulder.  
>She looked around the terminal, but saw no familiar faces. It was good  
>to be home, but she was expecting the girls would be there!

Crow: Suddenly, she was horrified to see them near the exit, shaved bald  
and wearing white togas.  
Mike, Tom [girls]: WE REPRESENT THE CHURCH OF LUNAR CONSIOUSNESS.  
WOULD YOU CARE TO MAKE A DONATION?

 

>Still, she had been looking for almost an hour. She hoped that Senshi  
>business hadn't called them away unexpectedly. 

Tom: [Ami] Screw saving the world, I need a hug!

 

>It felt good to be home. It meant she could get back to her normal  
>activities.

Mike: Until the Parcheesi tournament next month.  
Crow: [Ami] Finally, I can get back to testing Hunza Diet Bread on my  
lab rats.

 

>She had missed a lot of study time to watch her opponents play. She had  
>to get caught up. She had done a fair amount of studying on the plane  
>ride home, but she was still three hours behind schedule.

Crow: 'Cause if it wasn't Samuel L. Jackson, it was those damned snakes.

 

>She hoped to never interrupt her studying for that long again.

Mike: Luckily she has already scheduled her American Gladiator tryouts  
after her midterms.

 

>It had been fun, but it was time to get back to regular life.  
>  
>A small voice caught her attention.  
>  
>"Ami!" She looked around, and saw Rini. The little pink-haired girl ran  
>toward her.

Mike: Ami calculated the distance... and dodged at the very last second.  
As Rini hit the wall with a loud "squeak", Ami couldn't help but laugh.

 

>She threw her arms around Ami. "How was your trip?" 

Crow: [Ami] Oh, I get it now. Insincere platitude, blanket affirmative,  
and disingenuous request as to your health back at ya, kid.

 

>"Wonderful. But I missed you girls."  
>  
>"More then you missed studying?" Rini asked with a smile. Ami laughed.

Tom: [Ami] You'll always come second to my studies, silly!

 

>"Yes, even more then I missed studying." 

Mike: [Ami] Hitting the books was fun but it doesn't compare to wailing  
on you.

 

>"Come on," Rini urged, pulling Ami's arm. "The others are waiting." She  
>grinned back at Ami. "We have a surprise for you, Ames!" 

Crow: [Rini] Write an essay on your visit to Canada! It's due tomorrow!  
Mike: [Ami] Aw, you guys... you totally rock!

 

>"For me?" Ami repeated. "You guys didn't have to do that." Rini just  
>grinned, and pulled her though the mess of people. 

Tom: [Rini] Everyone suddenly turned into zombies while you were gone  
but the virus doesn't affect senshi... or dogs... which I find oddly  
disturbing.

 

>"Serena didn't bake it, did she?" Ami asked. Rini giggled. 

Mike: [Rini] You know she's not allowed within fifty feet of the  
kitchen, silly!  
Tom: The oven knob had long since been pulled off the oven, but Serena  
makes do by setting the oven to "self-clean".

 

>"We don't want to kill you, Ami," she replied, pulling her sharply to  
>the right. Ami stumbled after her.  
>  
>Ami followed Rini's insistent tugging to a small drink bar and arcade.

Crow: [Rini] Tattoo, how are ya! Dorf, my man, what it is? Prince,  
good to see you!

 

>She could hear Serena's loud voice before she could see the neon  
>green sign. Serena was playing a game, and it looked like a Sailor V  
>game.

Mike: Sailor V vs. Capcom!

 

>Darien was crouched next to her. He was laughing.

Mike: [Darien] Haha! You got beat by Dan Hibiki!

 

>Serena was scowling, and screaming.

Tom: [Serena] Oh yeah? I'll show you, Darien! OYAJI!

 

>She was obviously losing to the girl in the other chair. Ami could  
>hardly see the girl. Her long purple-black braid was draped over the  
>back of her seat. The girl let out a whoop for joy.  
>  
>"Beat you Serena!"

Crow: So the chances of the author avatar being in the other chair are?  
Mike: Off the board in Vegas.

 

>Ami's heart skipped a beat. She couldn't believe her eyes.

Tom: [Ami] Pit Fighter? You're actually wasting quarters on PIT  
FIGHTER?!?

 

>The girl stood up and flashed at grin at Darien.

Mike: Darien contemplated taking his grin to see Maria Sharapova next.

 

>The girl was Ky.  
>  
>"Ky?"  
>  
>"Ami! Ami what are you doing here?"

Crow: [Ami] I'm just visiting my family, they moved here before I was  
born and I usually stay with them for a number of years at a time.

 

>Ky ran forward, and hugged Ami tightly. "I thought I'd never see you  
>again."

Tom: [Ami] Dammit, I haven't even had time to lie to my friends about  
beating your sorry ass yet!

 

>"Surprised?" asked Rini. 

Mike: [Ami] Yes, much like the moments after opening the gift of one  
Jokey Smurf.

 

>"You knew?" asked Serena.  
>  
>"Of course I did," Rini shot back. "If you hadn't of been so busy  
>with Darien you might have heard her say that she was just at the  
>chess tournament in Canada."

Tom: [Serena] Did she mention the part where I mail your swarmy pink ass  
to Abu Dhabi?

 

>"Calm down, Serena," Ami said, touching her friend's shoulder  
>lightly.

Mike: Try the lithium, it's relaxalicious.

 

>She stepped in front of Serena. "How do you know Ky?"  
>  
>"She's was supposed to stay with my dad's sister, but she came down  
>with something, so now Ky's going to stay with us for a while."

Crow: Wasn't this the original pilot episode for "227"?

 

>"Won't that be a bit cramped?" Ami asked. 

Tom: [Serena] Nah, they'll fit under the bed with enough shovin'.

 

>"I'll survive," Ky replied with a grin. "This is great. You guys can  
>show me all around Tokyo."

Mike: [Ky] I wanna see Godzilla! Show me Godzilla!  
Crow: [Ky] Can I have a massage first? You guys are good at that sort  
of thing right?

 

>"It will be my pleasure," Ami replied sincerely.

Crow: [Ami, thinking] ...to ditch you in the shopping district, right  
before teaching you how to say 'I don't need any help, thank you.' in  
Japanese.

 

>"Come on girls," Darien called, taking Ami's suitcase. "Let's get to  
>the car." 

Tom: Poor fools, they only have another three minutes to get to the Pit  
Stop.

 

>Ami smiled at Ky. Ky was chatting with Serena and Rini as if  
>they were old friends. Ami looked over Ky.

Crow: [Ami] To think there's a nine foot bug hiding somewhere in there.

 

>"This could be interesting," Ami thought. "Why do I have the feeling  
>that there's more then coincidence to Ky's appearance here?"

Crow: It's actually slightly less, "contrivance".  
Tom: [Ami] And why are my words appearing beside my head in a thought  
bubble?

 

>She shrugged the thought off, determined to spend some quality time  
>with her friends. 

Mike: [Ami] Yes, Serena, I brought back some Maple Fudge. 

 

>Chapter 10:  
>  
>Thunder awoke her. 

Crow: Ami cursed, the television was still on and she still didn't want  
Dianetics.

 

>She sat up, at first forgetting where she was. Then she remembered  
>why she was lying on a cot. 

Tom: [Ami] I'm in Korea! And I'm wounded! And I think Frank Burns just  
botched my surgery!

 

>She yawned, and sat up. Her back hurt. She missed her own bed  
>horribly. 

Crow: Thankfully the Happiness Hotel had a vacancy and she was expert at  
sneaking out in the middle of the night.

 

>"Good morning, sleepy-heads," said a cheerful voice. She looked over at  
>the door. A blue-haired woman smiled at her.  
>  
>"Good morning, Ky. I've fixed up a special breakfast just for you."  
>She went over to the bed where Serena and Rini slept.

Tom: [Ky] Zzzzz... just five more minutes... Zzzzz...  
Mike: [Ami] Ky, we have to be at the tournament in half an hour!  
Tom: [Ky] AHHHHH!! *thump* We're gonna be late! Where's my towel!?  
I need to shower, I need to... to... oh, you bitch.  
Mike: [Ami]: Heh heh heh.

 

>"Get up, Serena," she added, her voice carrying a note of exasperation.  
>  
>"Ahh, mom," Serena mumbled. She pulled the pillow over her head.  
>Rini did the same. Ky sighed. What lazy girls they were! It was a  
>wonder they had befriended Ami. 

Mike: Everyone needs a human alarm clock.

 

>After breakfast, the three girls took off to the video arcade.

Tom: Anyone want to introduce Serena to the magic that is MAME?

 

>Serena wanted a rematch. Ky really had little interest, but she did  
>want to distract herself.

Crow: [Ky] Screw the universe, I'll play a video game where I... save  
the universe.

 

>Besides, then she could get to know Serena and her cousin. She wanted  
>to remain as close as possible to Ami, which meant she had to get close  
>to her friends. 

Tom: So that's why she's sleeping with them.  
Mike: [Ami] She's not gone! She's never gone!!  
Crow: [Ky] Is this some radical new therapy?  
Mike: [Ami] SEE??

 

>Serena lead her to the Sailor-V section.

Crow: Fifteen arcade games, all supported by one blonde girl.  
Mike: Yep, there's Sailor-V Bros, Punch-Sailor-V!!!, Sailor-V Invaders,  
Ms. Sailor-V, Sailor-V Junior, Sailor-V 2084... *deep breath*...  
Sailor-V Hunter, House of Sailor-V, Sailor-V's Lair, Sailor-V Jam,  
Dance Dance Sailor-V, Dead or Sailor-V, Bust-a-Sailor-V, Smash Sailor-  
V, and of course, Sailor-V II: The Senshi Warrior.

 

>Ky had never played a Sailor V game until the day before, but the  
>controls were fairly simple.

Mike: [Ky] A hadouken is a hadouken.

 

>She had played hundreds of games like it in her home.  
>  
>"So where do you live?" Serena asked, putting in her coins.  
>  
>"A small town," Ky lied. "Just north of Toronto."

Crow: [Ky] And west of.... Vancouver. Yeah.

 

>"Which is?" asked Serena, starting to play.  
>  
>"In Canada," Ky replied, concentrating on the game. She made her little  
>Sailor-V jump, and wondered what Sailor V stood for, what Senshi she  
>was. 

Mike: Clearly she was Sailor Mushroom Kingdom.

 

>Serena played much better, though Ky still beat her, and Serena still  
>wined about it. 

Tom: Her gaming sucked while her Kung-Fu skill grew by leaps and bounds!

 

>"Can we get some ice-cream?" Rini asked, reappearing. "Before you spend  
>all our money?" 

Crow: [Serena] Too late, these things are 300 yen a pop!

 

>"Sure, why not," Serena replied. "This way, Ky." 

Tom: *hic* I'll have the butterscotch rum, hold the  
butterscotch...

 

>They sat in a park, eating their ice-cream. Rini ran off to talk to a  
>strange looking man and a baby across the field. 

Mike: [Serena] Grown men with children that look nothing like them...  
ehh, the little booger can take care of herself.  
Crow: Nearby, the 4chan Party Van lurked.

 

>"Serena, what does the "V" stand for?" Ky asked, licking her chocolate  
>ice cream.

Tom: [Serena] First thing you need to know about V, it doesn't taste  
like chocolate ice-cream.

 

>"Wha-at! You don't know who Sailor V is?" Ky flushed, but nodded. 

Mike: [Serena] Good! More press for me!

 

>"She's Sailor Venus, one of the five legendary Sailor Scouts."  
>"The five?" Ky repeated. 

Mike: [Serena] Yeah, we killed off the others to encourage strong  
growth.  
Tom: [Serena] Plus they were prettier than me and we can't have THAT.

 

>"Sure. Sailor Venus, Sailor Mars, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Jupiter and  
>Sailor Moon, of course."  
>  
>"Sailor Moon!" she thought. 

Tom: [Ky] Pretty lucky gig for being the runt of the litter.  
Crow: [Serena] Wha-at!  
Tom: [Ky] Well, she represents a small moon and yet she gets to boss  
around girls who represent entire PLANETS! Isn't that like Billy Barty  
bossing around the Harlem Globetrotters?

 

>"Wow," she added out loud. "I only knew about Sailor Mercury." 

Crow: [Ami] Ha ha! I'm known internationally! You're still just a  
Japanese fad!

 

>"Wha-at!" Serena screeched again. "Here, look, I'll show you. There are  
>dolls and toys and everything.

Mike: [Serena] Nuclear Reactors! Pogo Sticks! Our live performance of  
'Cats!'  
Crow: Yeesh, are there earplugs?

 

>Gee, do you not have TV up in Canada?" Ky scowled. 

Mike: [Ky] Fricking CBC.

 

>"Of course we do. But no Japanese channels."  
>  
>"Fair enough," Serena sighed. "Come on. RINI! We're going to the mall.  
>Come on!"  
>  
>"Alright," Rini called back. "Give me a minute!"

Mike: Soon the cart was hitched, Rini yoked, and everyone was going to  
the mall!

 

>They browsed the mall for the rest of the morning, stopping just  
>after noon for lunch. Ky's stomach growled loudly. She could  
>hardly believe she was hungry, but she was. They stopped at the  
>food court.

Crow: [Ky] WHAT'DA MEAN YOU DON'T SERVE VINEGAR WITH YOUR FRIES?!?

 

>"So, what do you-" A scream cut Serena off. Above them, on the second  
>floor, Ky could make out two lion-sized shadows.

Tom: Lion-O had escorted Pumyra to Frederick's of Hollywood...

 

>One of the shadows was attacking a woman. 

Mike: If this Lion turns out to be from BC, just rush it. It'll fall to  
the floor scared and fumble the ball.

 

>"Rini, get Ky out of here now!" Serena said.  
>  
>"But!"  
>  
>"Now, Rini!" 

Mike: [Serena] I'd risk my daughter's life and more to save the life of  
one Canadian!

 

>Rini pulled on Ky's hand, and dragged her into the running crowd. 

Tom: [Rini] Just keep swimming!

 

>"This way! Hey, watch it!" Someone slammed into Ky. She turned, and  
>saw a senshi. It was Sailor Mercury.

Crow: [Mercury] I've got to go catch Tuxy before he hides. He's  
impossible to get out when he does.

 

>"Ky! Watch out!" screamed Rini. She pushed Ky out of the way of a  
>falling vending machine. 

Tom: I had no idea Ky signed up to guest-star on this week's "Police  
Squad: In Color!"

 

>"Thanks, kiddo. You should get out of here. They need help." 

Mike: There's not enough children playing around danger nowadays.

 

>"Naw, the Scouts can take care of themselves," Rini replied. 

Crow: [Rini] They're self-cleaning models with no messy buildup and a  
one year limited warranty.

 

>The two of them continued to run.

Crow: [Ky] Why are we trying to catch that old fat British guy?  
Mike: [Rini] Someone told me that he has candy!

 

>Someone grabbed Ky from behind.

All: CONNNNGAAA!!!

 

>She pulled from their grasp. It was a Guardian. Or, at least he seemed  
>to be. He wore the uniform of a Guardian, but had no crown. 

Mike: And a paper hat with a large button marked TRAINEE.

 

>Instead, he had a top hat, and a white mask. 

Tom: [man] Christine? Aren't you Christine?

 

>"It's alright," he said. "No one is going to hurt you. But there are  
>more monsters down that hall.

Crow: And in that hall, SPIIIIIDERS!  
Tom: And in THAT hall, a Jay Mohr sighting.  
Mike: [Ky] AAUUGH!

 

>Rini, take her out through the back exit." 

Mike: [Rini] Ya wants I make it look like a suicide, boss?

 

>"Got it, Tuxedo mask. Go kick their buts." 

Crow: [Tuxedo Mask] Hey, that's YOUR job. I just throw flowers, man.

 

>"Will do, kiddo. Now get out of here."  
>  
>Ky followed after Rini, feeling truly bewildered. 

Tom: [Ky] Wait, what's V again?

 

>Who was that masked man? Why did he seem familiar?  
>Rini's grip tightened. 

Crow: [Rini] WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!?  
Tom: [Ky] Stop-op-op shak-ak-ak-ing memememe!

 

>The Guardian of Fire swooped down from the second story, grabbing  
>Rini, and sweeping her up. 

Mike: [Fire] Damn, she's sticking to the dustpan. Better get the  
sawdust.

 

>Rini screamed, and tried to hold on to Ky. She grasped once more, but  
>then he had her.  
>  
>"One more step, Senshi, and this girl pays the price." 

Crow: [Fire] I'll stick a hundred dollar bill down her throat, I swear!  
Mike: [Fire] Everybody's got a price for the Guardian of Fire!  
Gyahahhahhahhahhahhah!!

 

>He addressed this to Sailor Mercury, and the Senshi with her. 

Mike: Those "As Seen on TV" dudes are really practicing the hard sell.

 

>Ky ran. She had no choice. She had to escape. She had to help Rini.

Tom: [Ky] I can help from back there, where there's less of a view.

 

>************************************************************  
>************************

Tom: (singing) The stars are black, the scene change's back.  
Mike: [claps four times]  
All: (singing) Deep in the heart of FANFIC!

 

>Ami looked over at Serena. She watched Ky run. 

Crow: Maybe you should be slightly distracted by other things, such as  
that cool mall fountain or the dude threatening murder.

 

>She didn't blame her friend. She would have run away too if she wasn't  
>a senshi.

Crow: [Serena] Okay, Mercury, ready to be a human shield again?  
Tom: [Ami] Mercury? Who's Mercury? I'm just an ordinary schoolgirl!

 

>"Let the kid go," Serena commanded. Ami looked over to where Darien  
>was battling it out with the Guardian of Earth. 

Crow: Anyone else getting this hilarious image of Darien getting pecked  
to pieces by a duck?  
Tom: [Earth] AFLAC!

 

>"You heard the lady, let the kid go."

Mike: [Fire] I *can't*! She's all sticky and stuff, like a big piece of bubble gum.

 

>"Kotanam!" the Guardian of Fire made it sound like a swear word. 

Tom: [Fire] Kotanam kids with their Kotanam powers... what's next, the  
Kotanam Batman?!?

 

>Ami wasn't sure if she was happy to see the mysterious Senshi, or  
>worried. 

Mike: [Mercury] She's gonna ask about that $5 she lent me, dammit.

 

>"Your fight is with me, Earth, Fire. Leave these Senshi alone." 

Crow: So, why hire Planeteer clones when the real ones would do it for  
craft services?

 

>"Gladly. But only if you surrender. 

Tom: [Kotanam] How about if I pretend to surrender and we give you  
partial custody?

 

>You will serve our master." Kotanam stepped up beside her.  
>  
>"I'll never surrender, to you." 

Tom: Without spitting? You're losing your cliche license!

 

>"Then the kid dies." 

Tom: Oh, wait, your cliche license is up to date.  
Mike: [Kotanam] Well, it'll kinda happen eventually anyway.

 

>"Venus love chain encircle!" Rini was yanked from the Guardian's grasp  
>by Venus's attack.

Crow: Sure the attack caused severe hemorrhaging... but she's FREE!

 

>"Mars celestial fire surround!" Flame engulfed the Guardian of Fire. He  
>laughed. 

Tom: [Fire] Flames will be cheerfully deleted!  
Mike: He's just a troll, Mars, it's not worth the effort to flame him.

 

>"Kotanam Gate!" The Guardian of Fire disappeared into a black warp  
>hole. 

Tom: Kotanam Gate, the offensive equivalent of eating Chinese food.

 

>Ami turned her attention to Darien and the Guardian of Earth.

Mike: At this point, both had cracked a brew and were complaining about  
the Sawx.  
Crow: [Tuxy] Friggin' David Ortiz.

 

>"Let me take care of him," Serena whispered. 

Tom: [Serena] Moondusting may not be as CGI-y, but at least it gets the  
job done!

 

>"No! She's too close. Let Kotanam handle it," Ami whispered fiercely.  
>"You remember what she's after?" 

Tom: [Moon] Ghost Whisperer, or Medium? Stupid CBS Friday schedule.

 

>"Right."  
>  
>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" Ami cried. The Guardian was trapped in a  
>case of ice. Kotanam made him disappear. 

Crow: [Kotanam] Hot dogs 2 for $2 in the food court!  
Mike: [Earth] Oh boy!

 

>"So you must be part of the legendary five," Kotanam said. 

Mike: [Kotanam] Tiger, Crane, Snake, Monkey and...?  
Tom: [Serena] Klutz.

 

>She turned to Serena. "You look familiar."

Crow: [Kotanam] Didn't you use to live in the Grudge house?

 

>"Back off, Kotanam," Ami said. "We could have managed without your  
>help." 

Crow: [Ami] Hell, we do this every freaking week!  
Tom: [Serena] Sailor Moon Say...  
Crow: [Ami] Not yet!

 

>"As you wish, Princess Mercury." Kotanam jumped up, and disappeared  
>in a flash of blinding light.  
>  
>Ami sighed. 

Mike: [Photographer] Beautiful! Just one more, sweetheart! *FLASH*  
Tom: [Ami] How did you... never mind, I don't want to know.

 

>"Alright, let's get out of here, Sailor Moon. Before that creep comes  
>back."  
>  
>"Any vibes, Mars?" Ami called down. Rei shook her head.  
>  
>"She's protecting herself somehow. I can't get a feel for her." 

Mike: Try taking your gloves off first.

 

>"Oh well. Let's go home. I need to study." 

Tom: With her new tutor, Kintaro Oe.

 

>Ami jumped down after her friends. She paused when she found a green  
>ribbon caught on a fake tree by the doorway. 

Mike: It's Sailor Fake Ficus.  
Crow: Pray you never cross her.

 

>She untangled it, and set it in her pocket.  
>She decided that Sailor Mercury would have to visit Ky, but not today.

Tom: She needed to pick up her Sailor Scout cookies first.  
Mike: [Ami] Thin Mints don't sell themselves!  
Crow: I beg to differ.  
Tom: Oops, time to meet quota, guys...

[To be continued in part 3 of 3]


	3. Chapter 3

MSTing of "[None yet Suggestions welcome in Reviews!]"  
by Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7, part 3 of 3:

Mike stood at the counter with both 'bots flanking him on the sides,  
Crow to the right and Tom to the left. Behind all three stood a  
filmstrip screen. Mike started, "When out and about with your family,  
tragedy can strike you at any moment."

Crow continued, "You may be walking without a care in the world,  
completely oblivious to the dangers lurking, ready to strike."

"And if you live in Japan, your chance to live is decreased by 450%!"  
Tom exclaimed.

"So, as a public service, we present... the Bradygames Guide to  
Vending Machines!" all three intoned.

"Okay, Cambot, fire up the chromakey," Mike asked. On the screen,  
Cambot flashed an image of a typical snack machine, eight rows by four  
of chips and candy bars.

"This here's Snackmore Mountain," Tom said. "75-100 HP, sometimes  
all the way up to 300 MP"

"These guys are most common, and they will most likely cause you  
grief and attack. They usually only eat your change, but there are  
times that they eat your change, your snack, and try to hit you for  
the trouble. You can shake them, but it only serves to make them  
madder!" Mike stated. "Next, Cambot?"

Cambot showed a picture of a typical soda pop machine. "Next up,  
we've got Cannonball Murphy," Crow instructed. "They hide their  
ammunition well. If you're lucky, all you'll get is the wrong  
beverage."

"They've been known to shoot out soda projectiles, which not only  
damage your knees and feet but also the cans of soda will explode just  
like Jokey Smurf presents," Tom continued. "They can also hide their  
projectiles so the unsuspecting will reach their hand inside, only for  
it to be bitten off!" Tom looked at Mike and groused, "Hey, you gave me  
that line intentionally!"

"Let's not get distracted!" Mike replied brusquely. "Last, we've got  
the granddaddy of them all... next, Cambot?" Cambot flashed an Aquafina  
machine. "Okay, here's the most evil of them all. Watery Grave, 500  
HP, 25 MP. You find these things at yuppie-type hippy-dippy places like  
zoos and museums. You're typically weak from needing water, the owners  
of these hippy-dippy places deliberately keep either dirty or no water  
fountains, so this one combines all the charm of the soda machine with  
the ability to steal your money and make you feel like a fool." Mike  
looked at the 'Bots. "Any questions?" The lights started flashing  
wildly as the bridge shook. "Too late, we've got FIC SIGN!"

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
botTom:.)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you  
inside.)

 

Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third  
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far right  
seat.

 

>Chapter 11

All: (loudly imitate slide whistle)

 

>She watched Ami. 

Mike: We watch her.  
Tom: You watch us.  
Crow: They watch them.  
All: Who watches the watchers?

 

>"This is it," she thought. "Tom:orrow, I will have to get her alone. The  
>princess will be revealed, one way or another. 

Mike: And right back to the softcore porn.

 

>I cannot afford to wait any longer." She jumped down from the tree  
>tops. 

Tom: This teen suicide brought to you by 'Twilight'! Life is agony,  
death is dandy! Choose death today!  
Crow: So, final thoughts, guys?  
Tom: GREAT ending.  
Mike: (chuckles) Yeah.

 

>"Ami has to be the moon princess. She is always being protected, and  
>she repelled the beam. She will join the cause. There is no time  
>left."

All: (singing) Though you die, La Resistance lives on!

 

>"Hold it, Kotanam," said a familiar voice. She heaved a sigh, and  
>turned to face Sailor Mercury.

Mike: [Baby Herman] How many times are we gonna do this damn scene!?

 

>"You again?"  
>  
>"I should say the same of you, Kotanam," the other Senshi replied. 

Crow: Heh, when your two lead actresses openly complain about  
interacting with each other, you've got problems...

 

>"Really, Sailor Kotanam, taking to spying on young girls? I would have  
>expected that from your Guardian 'friends' but not from you."

Tom: [Kotanam] My internet is down, leave me alone.

 

>"Get lost, Mercury. This isn't your fight. You've made that quite  
>clear."  
>  
>"You are on my turf now, Kotanam. You were at the mall when there was  
>an attack. 

Crow: The Mall of Mercury, where Zombies shop free!  
Mike: [Mercury] Next time, be sure to find the armor upgrade near the  
escalator, and try the shotgun near the west exit.

 

>These guys are following you, and you are endangering my friends."  
>Mercury crossed her arms. "I don't want to hurt you, Kotanam. But if  
>you keep bringing ill luck on my friends. . . ."

Mike: [Mercury] If Sailor Moon trips one more time....

 

>"There is no such thing as luck," Kotanam shot back. "You make your  
>own."

Mike: So anything you make doesn't exist? The sandwich I had for lunch  
never happened?

 

>"Then you admit this is all your fault?"  
>  
>"Yes!" she exclaimed angrily. "But you know what, it is not just your  
>friends in danger.

Crow: [Kotanam] It's your enemies too! Yeah, just think about that for  
a moment!

 

>My friends, my people, they are all in danger too. Don't you understand  
>that?"

Tom: [Kotanam] Messa people gonna...!  
Mike: [Mercury] Die.

 

>"All I have is your word. I trust you about as far as I can throw you."

Tom: So this is what would have happened if the Council of Elrond was  
comprised of teenaged girls.

 

>"The Guardians have attacked you too!"  
>  
>Sailor Mercury frowned.  
>  
>"How do I know that they aren't attacking by your order? 

Crow: [Kotanam] Well, for one thing, I don't end my attack orders with  
"COBRAAA!!!"

 

>Show me proof, and I will believe you. Otherwise, get out of my city,  
>get off my world!" 

Tom: [Kotanam] If you give me a towel first, you'd be one hoopy frood.

 

>Kotanam sighed heavily.  
>  
>"I can't do that, Mercury."

Mike: She doesn't have exact change.

 

>"Hey, Princess," called a familiar voice. Kotanam froze. Out of the  
>shadows stepped a Senshi in an all black uniform. Only the jew of her  
>tiara was coloured. 

All: (laughs)  
Tom: She was a senshi... on the roof!  
Mike: Tra-DI-TION!

 

>It was blood red.

Crow: Not diaper rash red, got it.

 

>"Sister, no, not you," Kotanam whispered. "Sailor of Anger, please,  
>fight!"

Crow: Fight MegaSenshi! For everlasting peace!

 

>"I have accepted the power, Princess. You should too. There is much of  
>it."

Tom: DOES THOUTH DESIRE A XENOGEARS REFERENCE?

 

>"Power is more of a curse, especially the power you wield." 

Crow: [Anger] At least SIXTY amps! Beat that, Toolman!

 

>She raised her staff to protect herself. "I don't know how Hibroy keeps  
>sending you after me, but it ends. Surrender, or I am afraid I will  
>have to kill you." Her voice broke.

Crow: [Anger] P-Please surrender, I can't even swat a fly without  
fainting!

 

>"Ha," replied the Senshi of Anger, her older sister, Kali.  
>"You can't kill me. You would never lay a hand on your own sister."

Mike: This is where we find out that the author never had an older  
sister.  
Tom: [Kotanam] Actually, I battled the Senshi of Lust last week and  
things got a little weird...  
Crow: Why couldn't we get a detailed description of THAT?

 

>"I have no such qualms," Mercury said.  
>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" The Senshi of Anger leapt out of the way.

Tom: Sailor Anger could kick Sailor Charon's ass.  
Crow: Sailor Calypso's cuter.  
Tom: It's only because she gets you high first.

 

>Kotanam raised her staff. She could not risk Kotanam gate. Hibroy's  
>troops could escape, some how. 

Mike: [Kotanam] Oh, come on, author! Would they escape or not!?  
I need to know NOW!  
Crow: [author] I... I don't know yet! Buy me some time! I need to  
think!  
Mike: [Kotanam] Geez...

 

>She had to do something.  
>  
>"Freeze!" came a new voice. "In the name of the moon, I command you to  
>stop."

Crow: [Ignignokt] Prepare for a pride obliterating bitch slap, in front  
of your closest friends!

 

>"Who are you?" demanded Kali with a laugh. "Another of this planet's  
>sad lesser senshi?"  
>  
>"I am Sailor Moon, champion of the moon.

Tom: She beat Steven Seagal in the finals.

 

>I will right wrongs and triumph over evil. And that means you." Kali  
>burst out laughing. 

Tom: [Moon] Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, sister senshi, I'll see you NEVER  
work in fanfiction again!  
Mike: [Mercury] I wouldn't worry, Moon, there was a good chance of that  
happening anyway.

 

>Kotanam tensed. Sailor Moon was real then, and not just one of Serena's  
>tales. Then she had to be the Moon Princess! 

Crow: Brilliant deduction, Holmes. What gave it away?  
Tom: [Kotanam] Which means she's moonlighting!

 

>Kotanam looked up at the window. Amy was gone!

Tom: [Kotanam] Dammit, I should've tied her up when I had the chance.

 

>Sailor Moon stepped out of the darkness. Her long golden hair was up in  
>round, meatball shaped buns with pigtails coming down. 

Mike: If Chun-Li and Cammy had a child...

 

>Kotanam didn't know what to think of it. They reminded her of  
>something, of someone, but she couldn't quite place it.

Crow: [Kotanam] Wait, I've got it! Chef Boyardee!

 

>"Sailor Moon!" shouted Sailor Mercury, "do it!"  
>  
>"Got it, Mercury. Moon healing ACTIVATION!"  
>  
>Bright light blinded Kotanam. 

Tom: [Moon] My name is Alan Wake. I'm a writer.

 

>The light surrounded Kali. Kali cried out, and slumped to the ground.  
>Kotanam rushed to her side. Her sister's eyes opened. She whispered her  
>name.

Tom: [Kali] Anger...  
Crow: [Kotanam] No, MY name, stupid!

 

>"Hush, I'm here," she whispered. "I'm here now." Kotanam stood, and  
>looked for Sailor Moon. But both Senshi were gone. 

Mike: Because 'Sailor Moon Says' waits for no man.  
Tom: [Mercury] I... have to leave too because... I don't... want to hang  
around with you... bye!

 

>Kotanam smiled.  
>  
>"Thank you, Sailor Moon," she whispered to the wind. "You have given  
>me a great gift."

Mike: Ooh, a spatula... she DOES care.  
Tom: Aww, it was just the tenth spatula that she got for a penny.

 

>Chapter 12:  
>  
>She grinned over at Amy, hoping the girl did not realize that anything  
>was out of the ordinary. 

Tom: [Amy] Why are you grinning at... *gasp* You're Sailor Kotanam and  
you want to kill my friend to get the Moon Crystal!!  
Crow: [Ky] No wonder I play chess, I SUCK at poker!

 

>"Where to?" Ami asked, smiling.  
>  
>"The library," she replied. "But I need to get something from the mall  
>first."  
>  
>"The mall? What?"

All: Cinnabon!  
Crow: [Ky] Sailor Kotan... err, I forgot my venti latte near the fountain.

 

>"A book I promised I'd get my sister. I saw it when I was with Serena  
>and Rini, but I never had a chance to get it."

Mike: [Ami] You really think the novelization of 'Sex and the City II'  
will be any better than the movie?

 

>"All right, to the mall then. Come on, there's a short cut going  
>through the underground parking lot."

Crow: [Ami] Funny, this is eerily similar to the route I took to see  
President Clinton.

 

>"Perfect," Ky replied, feelings of guilt washing through her.  
>She was betraying Ami, she knew, but if she didn't, could she bear the  
>cost? 

Mike: Could she avoid sounding like a synopsis of a B-movie?

 

>Could she handle losing this friend too, just for the mission? 

Tom: Could she restore a previously saved game if she was wrong?  
Mike: [Ky] Please God, let there be a CHECKPOINT...

 

>"Something wrong?" Ami asked.  
>  
>"Naw, I'm fine," she lied. Always lying. Never letting others know who  
>she truly was. Why did she have to go through this, over and over  
>again?

Mike: [Ky] Even worse.... A!... I have to do these... Ba!... stupid  
quick time events... L1 + R1!... every freaking time! 

 

>The parking lot was empty, which was abnormal. Ami tensed as she  
>realized they were all alone.

Crow: Then Ami screamed as a polygon Ky tried to kick the stuffing out  
of her while crappy Ad-Lib music played in the background.

 

>"Ky, we'd better turn back. Something's wrong in here."  
>  
>"Aw, it's fine, Ami."

Tom: Scary Fanfic -- No mercy. No shame. No title.

 

>"No, really, Ky. It's like this place has been abandoned and. . ." She  
>screamed as the metal door slid down, blocking the only way out.

Tom: The only way out of a MALL PARKING LOT, ladies and gentlemen.  
Crow: Someone must've taken a pack of mints from Target.

 

>"I'm sorry, Ami, I really am," Ky whispered. She brought out a little  
>crystal sphere, and she threw it at Ami. It exploded, wrapping around  
>the girl.

Crow: Crystal sphere... that's just one of the Joker's old props!  
Mike: I see SOMEONE made a side-trip to Spencer's.

 

>"Who are you?" Ami cried, her face a look of horror. "Why are you doing  
>this to me?"

Tom: [Ky] Oh, Ami, Ami, Ami... I was going to let you go... but you  
simply know too much...  
Mike: [Ami] *gasps* You're a dirty senshi on the take!?  
Crow: This is just like "The Wire". Except it isn't.

 

>"Are you the Moon Princess?" Ky demanded. Ami quailed, and tried to  
>fight it. A low moan escaped her throat.

Mike: Uh, exactly what is that crystal sphere DOING to her?  
Tom: CBC After Hours.

 

>"No."  
>  
>Ky stared at Ami in disbelief. Ami was not the Moon Princess? How could  
>that be?

Crow: Disney already copyrighted "princess" and sued Ami's ass all the  
way to infinity and beyond.

 

>"Do you know who is?" she demanded, frustration seeping into her voice.  
>  
>Again, Ami tried to fight it.

Crow: ...moaning softly while little beads of sweat gently slid down her  
sensual silky neck...  
Tom: [Ky] Hey, I can do you... THIS! ...all night if I have to!

 

>"Yes," she admitted, her voice weak. Tears were streaming down her  
>face. Ky felt her heart wrench, but she had to know. 

Tom: [Ky] But feel free to keep fighting... my, it's getting hot in  
here, isn't it?

 

>The Silver Crystal had to be hers.  
>  
>"Who is it?"

Crow: [Ami] The moon princess.... is all of us.  
Tom: [Ky] I didn't come here for your new-age bullcrap, Ami.

 

>The field around Ami shattered as a bright ball of flame swept by. 

Mike: Richard Simmons saves the day!

 

>Ky jumped into Ami, knocking her to the ground, out of the way.

Tom: [Gorilla Monsoon] High cross body! 1... 2...!

 

>"You should be more careful when using your toys, Princess," Donald  
>said, his voice dripping with venom. 

Tom: Talk about picking your poison. Thank you!

 

>"And now your poor friend will die as well."  
>  
>"Let the girl go, Earth. She is of no use to you."

Mike: [Ami] I wasn't aware I was being held.

 

>"Or you'll what, Princess? Send us back to the void? So that we can  
>escape again?" He was laughing. 

Tom: [Ky] Well, duh! How else will we reach 52 episodes and get a sweet  
syndication deal?

 

>Ky clutched her transformation pen. She had no choice.  
>  
>"If you hurt her, Earth, I will kill you."

Mike: She'll start with CFCs and move to some good old-fashioned carbon  
monoxide.

 

>"Oh, I will not hurt her. Master Hibroy wishes to speak to the one who  
>can repel his powers."

Crow: [Ami] As soon as we're done with these dorks, I am SO kicking your ass...

 

>Ky stood, pulling the pen out of her pocket. Ami stood up next to her.

Tom: [Ami] Ooh, autographs! I've got my book!

 

>"Ami, run. Get out of here while you still can."

Crow: [Ami] Roger!  
Tom: [Ky] Ha, now it's one against... two. What the hell am I doing!?

 

>"I am not leaving," the girl replied stubbornly. "And these Guardians  
>are going to fall once and for all. Scouts! Come to me!"

Mike: What, are they going to spawn in the corner and camp in a sniping  
spot?

 

>"No one can get in," Donald laughed.  
>  
>"Or out," Daniel added.

Crow: [Ami] Yeah, thanks Ky.  
Tom: [Ky] Well, we could always start an ABBA cover band.

 

>"Never under estimate the senshi. Not even Sailor Mercury. Mercury  
>Crystal Power!"  
>  
>Ky stared, amazed, as Ami became Sailor Mercury. Everything suddenly  
>made sense.

Mike: [Ky] Metal Gear! NOW I get it! And it's STILL retarded!  
Tom: Oh crap, Ky already skipped ahead to Disc 2.

 

>"Kotanam Star Power!" she cried, hoping to take advantage of the  
>sistuation. 

Crow: Only to be bitterly disappointed when Piers Morgan, Sharon  
Osbourne and Howie Mandel buzzed her out in short order.

 

>"So, you have joined up with a lesser senshi," Donald observed with a  
>little laugh. "Are you going to tickle me to death with your little  
>bubbles, or splash me with your fearsome water?"

Crow: [Ami] Hokay, that's it! Get out your chessboard! I'm going to  
destroy you in EIGHT moves!

 

>"I'm warning you both, step down, or we'll be forced to destroy you,"  
>Ami said. 

Mike: [Deep Throat] Quiet, you little snots, we're trying to bring down  
a president over here!

 

>Daniel snorted, and raised his hands above his head, preparing for an  
>attack. 

Tom: Don't tell me... a crane kick, right?  
Mike: In a parking garage? How's he not hitting the ceiling?

 

>A rose came out of nowhere, and he screamed, clutching his hand. 

Tom: Let that be a lesson, never give a handjob to a rose.

 

>Ky looked up. There were five senshis standing on a ledge, and the top  
>hat-wearing Guardian known as Tuxedo Mask was on the ground below them.

Crow: [Tuxy] Ugh, I have been vanquished... carry on without me, brave  
senshi.  
Tom: [Moon] Are you trying to look up our skirts?  
Crow: [Tuxy] Shh... I grow faint now.

 

>"Stop right there!," Sailor Moon proclaimed, jumping down. The littlest  
>senshi, who appeared to be no more then a child, followed her.

Crow: [Moon] She imprinted on me, we haven't been able to shake her  
since.

 

>"I am Sailor Moon," she proclaimed.  
>  
>"And I am Sailor Chibi-Moon," the little one added. Ky felt her sTom:ach  
>drop. Two Moon Princesses?

Crow: And they're both Druish, too.  
Tom: There was an awkward pause as Ky began ralphing all over the  
pavement.  
Mike: [Moon] Uh, maybe we should continue this fight on THAT side of the lot?

 

>"Together we will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that  
>means..."  
>  
>"Shut up."

Crow: [Moon] "Shut up"? Oh boy, mister, you're in for one HECK of a  
scolding now!

 

>"Sailor Moon!" Ami called, "better end it now! These guys are  
>powerful!"  
>  
>"You got it, Mercury! Moon Healing Activation!!!"  
>  
>Silver light filled the room, and Sailor Moon began to glow pink. 

Crow: [Mercury] She's a lava lamp in her spare time.  
Mike: [Kotanam] I've got a poster of a mushroom in my bedroom that I  
really want to have her stand next to.  
Crow: [Mercury] Before or after the doobies?  
Mike: [Kotanam] During?  
Crow: [Mercury] I'll bring the Doritos.  
Mike: [Kotanam] I'll bring more Doritos.

 

>Ky had to shield her eyes. She stumbled back, holding on to her  
>staff. She could hear Daniel and Donald screaming. Suddenly,  
>everything was quiet and calm once more.

Crow: Ronald Emmerich wouldn't make another movie for years.

 

>Daniel and Donald were on the ground, gasping. They looked up at her  
>and smiled, relief in their eyes, blue and brown alike. 

Tom: Ky actually stands for Ky-opectate.

 

>Ky let out a sigh, and she ran to them, embracing them in a hug. 

Crow: [Ky] Yeah, yeah, I love you this much. Now beat it, will ya?

 

>The other senshis were gone, even Mercury, but Ky wasn't worried. 

Mike: Well, where'd they go?  
Tom: To validate their parking?  
Mike: (bitterly) Dang them, I had a ticket for them to grab too!

 

>She knew where Ami was, and she knew how to track her down. 

Crow: Searching for Amy Fischer

 

>Now all she had to figure out was why there were two Moon Princesses. 

Mike: Evil Spock gave symposiums on the mirror universe decades ago and  
we've been paying for it through bad fanfiction ever since.

 

>She smiled at her friends.  
>  
>"Kotanam," Donald said softly, "thank you." He handed her the staff.  
>Ky stared in amazement at the green ribbon, her green ribbon, that was  
>tied to the staff. 

Tom: [staff] I used to be a tree, now I'm dead. Think about it. 

 

>She just shook her head. Mercury would never cease to amaze her.

Mike: [Kotanam] What a gal! Well, back to hunting her down to resume  
torturing her for information!

 

>Chapter 13:

Crow: [Kevin Costner] I'm yah puhlittlekul adviswah! They wanna WAH,  
Jack!

 

>Ami paced back and forth.

Tom: [Ami] I really have to do this for the next year? Sigh, the things  
I do for a research grant...

 

>Ky was Kotanam. The thought just did not sit right with her. Ky was so  
>animated, and Sailor Kotanam was cold.

Crow: Kotanam kept stealing the covers from her, every night!

 

>"Serena, you and Rini had better watch out. Ky's living in your house. 

Tom: Here she comes! She's KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR!  
Crow: [Rini] Come on, Chicken Heart, you won't come near smoke and  
fire and Jell-O!

 

>She knows who I am, and it won't be long before she figures out who you  
>are."

Mike: She downloaded 'The Internet Spy and You', it's only a matter of  
moments now!

 

>"She's not getting my Crystal," Serena replied, touching her locket.  
>"Don't worry, Ames."

Tom: [Serena] I locked it in my Keyper and lost the key. It's cool.

 

>"Ami! Serena!" cried Rei, running from the temple. "Watch it!" Ami  
>screamed and rolled out of the way as a Kotanam Gate opened below her  
>feet. 

Crow: [Plucky Duck] Fanfic go down the hooooole...  
Mike: So, hiding under your desk won't give you adequate protection from  
the threat of portable hole annihilation?

 

>"Kotanam!" she cried angrily. "You leave my friends alone."  
>  
>Ky stepped from the bushes, in her senshi form. 

Tom: [Kotanam] Ahhh... okay, that's done. Now to business!

 

>Behind her were two senshi, Sailor Anger and Sailor of Woods, and the  
>two Guardians, Fire and Earth. 

Crow: So, she had Bill O'Reilly, Ted Kaczynski, Heat Miser, and the  
Thing.

 

>"What do you want, Kotanam?" Ami demanded, stepping in front of Serena.  
>  
>"The Silver Crystal," she said simply. "Hand it over, Princess."  
>  
>"I don't have it. You know that."

Tom: [Ami] Why settle for second? Go for the Gold Crystal, baby!

 

>"I wasn't talking to you, Ami." Ky fixed her cold gaze on Serena. "I  
>know you have it."

Mike: [Serena] The groove? The beat? The mojo?  
Crow: The glow?

 

>"Wait here," Serena said. "I'll go get Sailor Moon, and you can talk to  
>her. She'll know what to do."

Tom: [Serena] Sailor MOOOooonn! Ky's being mean to me!  
Crow: [Moon] Then you really should share your toys, sweetie.  
Mike: [Kotanam] Hey, uh, Ami... is she always this schizophrenic?  
Crow: [Ami] You should see her fight with Serenity.

 

>Ky watched, a smirk on her face.  
>  
>"You betrayed me," Ami said.

Mike: [Ami] It's almost as if I were a pawn in your game of..... Oh, I  
get it now! It all makes sense!  
Crow: So Ami will cut a promo, wrestle a squash, and meet her at  
Summerslam.  
Tom: Finally, someone I could enjoy watching rip their shirt off.

 

>"I told you, Amy, there is more then just your world at stake. Billions  
>of lives hang in the balance." 

Crow: Okay, Al Gore.  
Mike: [Ami] You already hung them!? You... You MONSTER!!

 

>Ami had nothing to answer to that. She simply crossed her arms, and  
>fixed Ky with a furious glare. Ky looked away.

Crow: Odd reenactment of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

 

>"It's okay, Ami," Serena said, appearing in her Sailor Moon form. Rini  
>was beside her. Ky gave a little bow.

Tom: [Rini] That won't even fit me, could you at least ask my size first?  
Crow: Besides, she's nauseatingly cute enough as it is.

 

>"Princesses," she said differentially. "I have come to seek a audience  
>with you. I need your Crystal."

Tom: [Moon] Sorry, we've only regular Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, or Pepsi Zero.

 

>"It will never leave my hands," Serena replied. "However, if I can go  
>with you. . . ."  
>  
>"Fine. Tonight then."  
>  
>"Sailor Moon, don't go alone," Rini cried. "I want to go with you!" Ky  
>stopped.

Mike: Just another episode of "Juuban Shore".

 

>"I can only take one through to the Gate at a time, and anyone stuck in  
>Kotanam, the place between worlds, will be stuck there forever."

Crow: You've never seen five happier senshi.  
Tom: [Ami] Really, Rini, just a bit farther and you'll find Narnia!

 

>"What if the Scouts could follow us, together."  
>  
>"Between worlds?" Ky asked skeptically.  
>  
>"Easy," Serena replied. "We've gone through time. 

Crow: [Serena] We just knocked off Kennedy last weekend.  
Mike: [Ami] Was it really last weekend?  
Crow: [Serena] Stop that, my head already hurts.

 

>Between dementions can't be all that bad." Ky gave her an incredulous  
>look, but she nodded in resignation. 

Crow: That's the plural of "dementia", right?  
Tom: [Ky, singing] It's springggggtime for Hiiiiibroy...

 

>Tonight then, the temple," she motioned with her hand to Rei's temple,  
>"bring your sister senshi. I'll be waiting."

Crow: [Ky] I'll be drawing faces on the Buddhas in the corner.  
Mike: [Ky] Make sure to sacrifice a cow or two to the deity of your  
choice.

 

>"So will we, Kotanam," Serena replied.  
>  
>They stepped back into the shadows, fading from view. Ami turned t  
>Serena.

Mike: Just between you and me, I think she's already travelling between  
dementions.  
Crow: We could really use a Lucas wipe right about now.

 

>"Do you think that was a good idea?" she asked. Serena shrugged.

Tom: I'm only good for ideas, not good ideas.  
Mike: [Ami] Huh?!  
Crow: Somewhere, Yogi Berra is nodding in approval.

 

>"They need help, and I can give it. Besides, then we won't have to deal  
>with them any more." 

Mike: [Ami] Serena, they're just like Columbia House. Buy one DVD and  
you're on the mailing list like forever.

 

>She turned. "Come on, Chibi-Moon. Let's get out of here before one of  
>those shadow creatures comes after us."

Crow: [Serena] Rest of you dopes can fend for yourselves! Smell ya  
later.

 

>"'kay," she replied. "See ya Ames!"

Crow: And... end scene. Good job.  
Tom: [Rini] Remember, temple at 10PM, we'll finally get flushed down the  
plot hole!  
Mike: [Ami] Yeah, yeah whatever.

 

>Ami wandered around on the temple grounds, looking for a place of  
>solitude.

Tom: Try down the block, they're showing "The Last Airbender".

 

>She needed to think. She had trusted Ky, and Ky had been after Serena  
>all along. Ky had betrayed her, had used magic on her to force out  
>information about the Moon Princess. 

Crow: For the last time, shrimp cocktails aren't "magic".

 

>"Ami," said a soft voice. Ami turned. Ky stood alone, in her normal  
>form.  
>  
>"Ky," Ami replied distantly. "What are you doing here?"

Crow: [Ky] Standing here, in my normal form. You?  
Tom: [Ami] I'm between corporeals myself.

 

>"I came to apologize. I'm sorry about how things have to be."  
>"You made the choice, Ky."

Mike: So this is a self-insert?  
Crow: Why do you think they named her Ky? Ba-Boom-TISH!

 

>"Hibroy did, not I," she replied softly. "He took my friends and my  
>family, most of my world as his plaything, and we are not his first  
>victims or his last."

Tom: [Ky] I peeked ahead in the script, boy are you guys gonna get it  
next chapter!

 

>"What will you have Sailor Moon do?" Ami asked.

Mike: [Ky] Sign my poster, I'll trade it up over and over until I have a  
guest-starring role on "Numb3rs", which is what Hibroy wanted all  
along.

 

>"What she must. Use the Crystal to heal those scattered across the  
>dementions."

Tom: And, time permitting, perform a spellcheck or twelve.  
Crow: Couldn't you find some Neosporin or something?

 

>"Ky, that will kill her. She does not have that kind of power."

Mike: [Ami] You want Marrissa Picard for that. I have her number, give  
her a ring.

 

>"Sailor Kotanam will be helping her, increasing her powers, spreading  
>them."

Crow: Exploiting her shamelessly in the name of LOVE and JUSTICE!  
Tom: But that's not all! Sailor Kotanam can slice, dice, and julienne  
potatoes!

 

>"If she dies, Ky. . ."  
>  
>"She won't. Trust me, Ami."

Mike: She'll make sure to charge the defibrillator this time.

 

>"I did. You betrayed that trust."  
>  
>"How? By being a senshi? 

Tom: [Ami] Uh, no, you lied to me, lured me into a trap and tortured me  
for information to steal the moon wand!  
Crow: [Ky] Oh, that was a long time ago!  
Tom: [Ami] IT WAS YESTERDAY!!!

 

>We are sisters, Ami. Sometimes, families fight, and sisters are unable  
>to stand together. 

Mike: Do sisters normally share a lot of sexual tension?  
Tom: Well, that shines an uncomfortable new light on that torture scene,  
huh?

 

>If that is what you want, for us to be separate, we can be."

Crow: This is almost like Brad and Jennifer... I'm getting so verklempt.

 

>"Ky," Ami sighed. "I'll help you. Hibroy needs to be stopped before he  
>comes after those I love."

Mike: [Ami] After all, I've got YOU to fill that role nicely.  
Crow: [Ky] Speaking of filling roles...  
Mike: [Ami] Back off, sis.

 

>"Thank you, Ami." Ky turned, and was gone back into the woods. 

Tom: "Ky and the Hendersons" will be back right after this.

 

>Ami sighed.  
>  
>"What have I gotten myself into?"

Tom: Thirteen chapters deep and you're asking us?

 

>Ami met her friends on the temple grounds. All of hem were in senshi  
>form.

Mike: [Ami] Wait, are we fighting evil or cosplaying today?

 

>"D'you think she'll come?" Lita asked.

Crow: [Ami] I'd been asking myself that same question through that whole  
scene.... oh! Yeah, she'll be here.

 

>"She'll be here," Ami replied. "She came her for Sailor Moon, and she  
>came for the Crystal's powers. She won't leave until she has them."

Tom: [Lita] Well, this *lesser* senshi votes to kick her ass.

 

>"Hope you're right, Ames," Rei said. She shivered. "I'm getting some  
>bad vibes tonight. 

Crow: [Ami] Ah, jibbly jibbly jibbly...

 

>Something is going to happen."  
>  
>"Not on my watch," came Ky's voice. 

Crow: I'd like to requisition stock snark #4, the "what a shock" module.  
Tom: Please sign me up for corollary whine #56, "nothing's happened  
yet".

 

>She appeared in the air before them, in her senshi form. "Anger, Woods,  
>Fire and Earth are all keeping an eye out while we do this." 

Crow: [Kotanam] I had to get them a few pizzas, I charged it to the  
temple.

 

>She looked over at Serena. "Are you ready Princess?"  
>  
>"Yes. Chibi-Moon will be going with you."  
>  
>"What?"

Mike: How much of a head start does she get on the paparazzi?

 

>"Sailor Moon is the strongest, and we'll teleport with greater accuracy  
>if she's with us," Ami explained.

Crow: [Ami] When she's not with us, we hope that each time our next leap  
will be the leap home.

 

>"Chibi-Moon has her own Crystal. If something happens to us, she can  
>help you."

Tom: [Ami] No, really! She makes a terrific pink hostage.  
Mike: [Rei] She's also a good human shield in a pinch.  
Crow: [Mina] She's great at scouting forward for landmines!

 

>"If something happens to her," Serena added softly, "you'll wish you'd  
>never come." Ky simply nodded, looking unimpressed by Serena's threat. 

Mike: [Geese Howard] PATHETIC!  
Crow: Sailor Shania here.

 

>"Follow me, if you can," she said. "Kotanam Gate, open for me!" 

Tom: [Ky] C'mon, you stupid garage door opener, don't run out of  
batteries now!

 

>A large, swirling portal opened before them. 

Mike: Then Archie Bunker emerged, newspaper tucked under his arm.

 

>"After you." Serena smiled at Ky. Ky sighed, shook her head, and  
>stepped into the portal, holding Chibi-Moon's hand tightly in her own.

Mike: Next time, make sure you bring the booster seat.

 

>Ami joined in the circle, holding Serena's hand in her right, and Rei's  
>in her left. 

Tom: Who knew that Sailor Teleport only activated after the Chicken  
Dance?

 

>They each began to concentrate their energies. They began to float up  
>as one, following Ky into the swirling black vortex.

Tom: (starts humming music from TRON)  
Crow: Those years with John, Paul, George, Ringo, and the Maharishi paid  
off handsomely!

 

>Chapter 14

Tom: [Jigsaw] Uhhh... okay, now just turn the crank and snap the plank  
and boot the marble right down the chute, now watch it roll in into the  
pole, and knock the ball in the rub-a-dub tub, which flips the man into  
the pan...  
Crow: You're not even trying anymore, are you?  
Tom: [Jigsaw] S-Shut up!

 

>Ky watched, slightly amused, as the five senshi followed her. 

Mike: Holy crap, she got rid of Chibi-Moon in a quick hurry.  
Tom: I always wondered how those random mentions of "Pink Sugar Heart  
Attack" surfaced in the Battle of Antietam.

 

>Chibi-Moon whimpered slightly as a glowing orb of energy went  
>screaming by her head.

Mike: The Cosmic Cutie? She took them all the way to America?

 

>"It's all right, Chibi-Moon. Nothing will harm you while you are with  
>me."  
>  
>"But what about the others? Sailor Moon and the others don't have  
>protection."

Mike: It's almost as if she sees the hentai tentacle beast around the  
corner.

 

>"Sure we do, kiddo," Sailor Moon's voice called. Five beams of light  
>were approaching them, a pink beam, a blue beam, a red beam, a green  
>beam and a orange beam.

Tom: Go Go to hell, Power Rangers.  
Crow: This sounds like the beginning of a logic problem.  
Mike: I think the logic problem began around Chapter 1.

 

>"Scouts! You're here!" the little senshi exclaimed excitedly. 

Mike: [Mercury] Haven't you sent her on a snipe hunt yet?  
Crow: [Kotanam] She was on to me, she already saw "Up".

 

>"Hold on, Chibi-Moon. It's about to get rough," Ky warned. 

Tom: (singing) The portal started getting rough, the tiny girl was  
tossed!

 

>She pulled them through to the Kotanam Gateway, the melding point of  
>all worlds, and great black void. 

Crow: [Leonard Nimoy] Fifty cents please.

 

>Ky began glowing purple as she entered the void. 

Tom: [Ky, singing] WILL YOU LIGHT THE SKY ON FIRRRE...

 

>Chibi-Moon began glowing a bright pink. 

All: [Senshi] Damn you, Ben Oliver! DAMN YOUUUUU!!!  
Mike: *BOOOM!*

 

>There were suddenly other lights around her, another pink, a green, a  
>red, an orange and a blue. She could make out the other senshis.

Crow: ...wondering how they suddenly ended up in Voltron.

 

>"There," she called, pointing to the darkest part of the void, where  
>her light would not touch. "That is the Kotanam Circle. It links all  
>the worlds.

Mike: [Kotanam] You can buy a KotanaPass for only $12.50, and it's good  
for a week!  
Tom: [Chibi-Usa] But we're going to try to defeat....  
Mike: [Kotanam] TWELVE-FIFTY, DAMMIT.  
Tom: [Chibi-Usa] Okay, okay...

 

>Sailor Moon, please, that is where you must release your power."

Crow: I would have thought that Sailor Toilet Snake would've been a  
worthier choice.  
Mike: Couldn't you prime me with a bag of White Castle first?

 

>"You really think that will stop us?" asked a voice. Three senshi rose  
>out of the darkness, none of them glowing.

Tom: Try jiggling them a bit.

 

>Kotanam felt her heart sink. She recognized them. 

Tom: They played for the Minnesota Wild, and they couldn't keep their  
sticks down.

 

>They were portal jumpers, senshi who had no other ability except to  
>walk through the dementions.

Mike: They're Classic Lemmings.  
Crow: Pfft. Walking through dementions. That's just crazy.

 

>"I am Sailor Kotanam, this is my realm, and here I am Princess. 

Tom: [Kotanam] We've gathered here today to talk about this little thing  
called DIE!!! 

 

>I demand you step down."

Mike: There's four of them, maybe a festive square dance is more  
appropriate than stepping down?

 

>"We take no orders except those from our Master."

Crow: Good morning, Angels!  
Mike:, Tom: [portal jumpers] Good morning, Char-lie!

 

>"So be it. Reality Buster!" 

Mike: [Kotanam] You live with your parents and you have no JOOOOB BLAST!  
Crow: [Kotanam] You'll be balding before your thirtieth birthday BEAM!  
Tom: [Kotanam] You'll die alone and afraaaaaaid BLOW! 

 

>The three senshi staggered. Their eyes unfocused, and they began to see  
>each other as the enemy. 

Crow: Kotanam casts McCarthyism ! Fear and Confusion reign ?!

 

>Chaos quickly broke out between the three, and they all disappeared.

Tom: Calling Sailor Howard, Sailor Fine, Sailor Howard...

 

>"What did you do?" asked Sailor Moon, coming up beside her.  
>  
>"They all see each other as enemies. 

Mike: She told them that the best seller will get the Glengarry leads.  
Crow: Now one is Team Jacob, one is Team Edward and, oddly enough,  
one is Team Snape.

 

>It won't last long, but since they can only portal jump, they opened  
>portals beneath themselves to escape." She sighed. 

Tom: Didn't Mythbusters bust that myth once?

 

>"They'll be back. We haven't much time."  
>  
>They all began floating around the Kotanam circle. Sailor Moon held the  
>Crystal before her.

Crow: Sailor Moon, now with the power of Gravitron!

 

>"Moon Healing Activation!" she cried, silver light filling the void. Ky  
>smiled, and unleashed her own power, opening up gates to the worlds  
>that Hibroy had touched. 

Mike: If this works, I've got a mess of kudzu in the back yard that  
needs killin' too.

 

>Freed gates were little pink holes, and the gates Hibroy still  
>controled were black. 

Tom: We sure this isn't an Ultima crossover?  
Mike: Or we could be playing Master of Orion.

 

>Sailor Moon began to glow, her face serene. Her senshi uniform became a  
>long white gown. 

Crow: [Kotanam, sobbing] Yes, I will marry you, Sailor Moon!

 

>The Silver Crystal was nestled in her hands, still glowing brightly.  
>Her long golden hair was billowing out behind her.

Mike: Ky just kicked up the wind machine for the extra oomph the scene  
needed.

 

>"Princess Serenity!" Ky gasped. Suddenly, Chibi-Moon was up next to  
>her.  
>  
>"Mother," she whispered, her form bathed in silver light. She was  
>suddenly in a white gown identical to Serenity's gown. 

Crow: Next, she was in a pair of mechanic's overalls, then a tutu.  
Tom: When did we start the end credits to "Daria"?

 

>"I am here for you!" The light doubled in brightness, and the dots were  
>changing from black to pink at a double rate. 

Crow: Great, we arrived just in time for the universe's prostate exam.

 

>Ky could do little more then stare in amazement at the sheer power of  
>the two senshi.

Mike: Yeah, but can they create and sustain a runaway nuclear reaction?

 

>And then it began to go wrong. 

Crow: They gave Alan Alda creative control and he whizzed it right down  
his leg. 

 

>Serenity and her daughter suddenly ceased glowing, their lights  
>winking out. 

Tom: Much like the actual fad of crystal power.

 

>They returned to senshi form. There were still nearly a dozen  
>dementions to save.

Mike: Search for the quarter slot and start pumping in the coins, Ky!

 

>"I'm sorry," Sailor Moon gasped, her face deathly pale. "I can't do it any  
>more." Then she passed out.

Tom: ...some literature for the Reunification Church.  
Crow: [Moon] I sense that there could be some tithing ahead.

 

>"Serena!" Chibi-Moon cried. She floated over to her. "Come on, wake  
>up." Ami and the others Crow:ded around the fallen princess.

Mike: [Venus] Should we poke her with a stick or something?  
Crow: [Mars] Waaaay ahead of you.

 

>"She's all right," Ami said, "she's just fainted."  
>  
>"How long do you think she'll be out?" Ky asked.

Tom: Until bell botTom:s come back. 

 

>"Hours," Ami replied. "She used up a ton of energy."

Mike: More importantly, they're fresh out of sappy, long-winded pop  
ballads and without that, her attacks ain't worth spit.

 

>"Hours," Ky echoed softly. Hibroy could take over another demention in  
>that time. 

Tom: And Sailor Moon can fix it in seconds, what's the fragging problem?

 

>She gave a reluctant sigh. There was only one option left. She had to  
>kill Hibroy first, then return for Sailor Moon's help. 

Tom: So, let me get this straight. Hibroy brainwashes but keeps them  
alive. Sailor Total Carnage kills because the ends justify the means.  
Mike: [Ky as Bruce Willis] Anybody else want to negotiate?

 

>"Can you teleport?" she asked. 

Crow: [Ami] Depends, how good are you at retconning and fanon?

 

>Ami shook her head. 

Tom: [Ami] I can say 'BAMF' if that helps.

 

>"Not without Sailor Moon." 

Mike: Starring Meredith Baxter-Birney and a young Kirsten Dunst.

 

>"Then I can send you all back. It won't take long. 

Tom: Unfortunately, all her portals end in the stockroom of the North  
Greenwich "Canadian Tire".

 

>Chibi-Moon, I'll send you two through first."  
>  
>"Thank you, Kotanam."  
>  
>She sent them back, then Jupiter, then Mars, then Venus.

Tom: [Jupiter] Yeah, thanks Kotanam, for hogging the spotlight and  
making our presence in this fanfic even MORE pointless!

 

>Suddenly, her gate closed. Ky looked up. Above her were the three  
>senshi she had scattered. 

Mike: Sailor D'artangan has already withdrawn his rapier.

 

>She heaved a sigh.

Crow: [Ky] Ooh, I'm all angsty and depressed, I'm a teen on the edge of  
oblivion. Death is my hairspray. *cut cut* *bleed* Waah.

 

>"Bubbles, Mercury?"  
>  
>"Sure thing. Mercury Bubbles Blast!" The void filled with thick mist. 

Tom: Ky could've just opened a portal to Los Angeles.  
Crow: And then they could all be coughing to boot!

 

>Ky grabbed Ami's hand. She opened a small gate, and the two of them  
>dropped through.

Mike: [Ky] Whew, that was close... wait, where are we? Golden Saucer!?  
What the...!?

 

>They landed on hot, sticky pavement. 

Tom: Thank heaven, they finally found the one enemy that Mercury can  
defeat!  
Mike: [Mercury] Eat cold air, hot cement!

 

>Around them rose large buildings, skyscrapers made of reflective black  
>metal. A red sun burned above them.

Crow: They've fallen into a Superman Elseworld Comic!  
Mike: Now, is this Silver Age Sailor Kotanam?

 

>"Is this your world?" Ami asked.  
>  
>"No. This is Hibroy's world." 

Crow: Population: Nerd.

 

>She raised her hand, pointing off to the biggest building, one floating  
>overhead. "Hibroy's palace."

Tom: Then she pointed over to the smallest building, one floating  
overhead. "Hibroy's privy."

 

>"Why are we here?"  
>  
>"Because if I took you home, they would have followed us."

Crow: [Ami] But you took me to your place! Now they'll think I'm easy!

 

>"Then why not somewhere safer?" Ky gave Ami a look that she could  
>easily read.  
>  
>"You don't mean. . ."  
>  
>"There's no other choice. I'd appreciate your help." Ami sighed.

Mike: [Ami] And that's how I was roped into delivering newspapers for a  
year and a half.

 

>"All right, let's get this over with."  
>  
>"Good. Back to your normal form. It's the only way we'll ever get in."  
>  
>"Isn't that dangerous?"  
>  
>"Sure. But there's no other choice."

Tom: [Ami] Give me three minutes to get a pizza box and show you how  
imbecilic you are.

 

>Ami gave a sigh.  
>She returned to her normal form with a word. 

Tom: [Ami as Strong Bad] DWAYNE!!

 

>Ky did the same,

Crow: Wait up here, is "bathyscaphe" one word or two?

 

>and together they made their way toward the impressive castle. 

Mike: (whistles to imitate recorder music)  
Crow: Don't let them in, Friendly! Rusty, Jerome, close the gate before  
it's too late!

 

>Chapter 15:

All: (singing) Oompa, loompah, doopily dee. Are you not read-y for  
Chapter Fifteen?

 

>Ami did not like the position she was in. 

Crow: [Ami] Better untie the ropes and try again.  
Mike: [Dr. Rumack] I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all  
counting on you.

 

>Ky had all the control. 

Mike: The Melancholy of Sailor Kotanam  
Tom: [Ami] Fine, keep the remote, I'm using the laptop anyway.

 

>She had no way to get back, no way to escape. 

Crow: No way to avoid a Lady Gaga reference.

 

>There were people everywhere, mostly regular humans who walked the  
>street, but there were senshi in the Crow:d, watching them from floating  
>disks, their eyes clouded. 

Tom: Dr. Light made them all Rush Jets.

 

>Ami had no doubt that these senshi were being controlled by Hibroy.

Crow: He can even make them vibrate across the floor with the power of  
his mind!

 

>"Come, sister," Ky whispered, "we must pay our homage to the King."

Mike: [Ami] You have a portal to Graceland? Sweet!

 

>"I agree," Ami replied, not sure what else to say. 

Tom: [Ami] Don't be cruel.  
Crow: [Ky] He ain't nothin' but a hound dog! It's now or never!  
Tom: [Ami] A little less conversation!  
Mike: Hokay, that's enough.

 

>She wanted to send a message to the others, but she did not think she  
>could. Besides, there was no time.

Tom: And no internet.  
Crow: [Ami] Maybe one of the nice floating disk senshis will help me!  
HEY! TELL SAILOR MOON TO FIND A BREATH MINT!

 

>The two of them moved through the Crow:ds of people, until they passed  
>under a curtain of light. 

Tom: They wanted to catch a Broadway show first.  
Mike: Hope it's got a Jew.  
Crow: (singing) Twice in every show, there comes a song like this...

 

>"We're in," Ky whispered. "This way, my sister. We're almost there!" 

Mike: [Ky] Pig is proceeding into the blanket. Toad is going into the  
hole.  
Crow: [Ami] Fist is going into the mouth.  
Mike: [Ky] Team Leader, keeping mum.

 

>Ami was not too pleased with the situation, but there was no other  
>choice. 

Tom: This is the worst choose-your-own-adventure story ever.  
Mike: [Dr. Rumack] I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all  
counting on you.

 

>She followed Ky until they reached the steps.

Crow: Then Ami decided to reenact "Rocky" for the fun of it.  
Tom: [Ky] Tourist.

 

>"Stay there. I'll be back for you."  
>  
>"But-"  
>  
>"Stay there," she repeated more forcefully. 

Crow: [Ky] I'll give you a Snausage!  
Mike: [Ami] Snausages?! Snausages!!  
Tom: Senshi can't tell it's not bacon.

 

>Ami shrugged, and stood, waiting. Ky charged up the stairs, into the  
>darkness beyond the palace doors.

Mike: Oh, what is she, Sir Lancelot now?

 

>Something in the air changed.

Tom: Ami tried to blame it on a retreating Ky, but we all knew better.

 

>"Reality Buster!" Ky's voice called. The people around Ami froze, and  
>then fell over, in deep trances. 

Crow: Ky must've played some Enya, really knocked 'em out.

 

>Six senshi came charging in, but the all ended up in Kotanam Gates,  
>spread across the demensions. 

Mike: The Keystone Senshi, folks.  
Tom: [Ami] So much for my recruitment drive of allies.

 

>"Okay Mercury, you can come out now. Time to go kick some butt." Ami  
>smiled despite herself. 

Crow: [Ky] Could you cue up a copy of "Shine My Love"?  
Tom: [Ami] Let me guess, I'm the Asian one?

 

>She transformed, and ran into the darkness after Ky.

Tom: (singing) Now they're trapped in the closet...  
Mike: Somehow I doubt R. Kelly will mind.

 

>The two of them moved through the halls like shadows, staying out of  
>the way of the senshi who ran outside to find out what was going on. 

Crow: (senshi) One side, brightly colored strangers! We have to see  
who's invaded our fortress!

 

>"I used illusions to make it look like there's a riot going on out  
>there," Ky explained after the third senshi went by without even  
>looking around. 

Crow: Stephenie Meyer's out there signing copies of "Breaking Dawn"!  
All: Squeee!

 

>"Hibroy's sending out the troops to control the masses."

Crow: (senshi) Oh, sweet taser of mine, our day has finally come!

 

>"Then why are we hiding?"  
>  
>"Because if a senshi notices us, they will try to attack us, to bring a  
>prize before their master."

Tom: Assuming, of course, he can correctly guess their weight.

 

>"They won't kill us?"  
>  
>"Not if they think that we can be controlled."

Mike: [Ky] And they have the ultimate in control - the Power Glove !

 

>"Well, Renegades, you seem to get stupider as the time goes by," said a  
>voice. 

Tom: [Ami] We're the Renegades? How pathetic, I thought we agreed on  
"Fabulous Freedom Posse"!

 

>Ami whirled around. A senshi stood behind them, a long Sabre in her  
>hand. 

Tom: [Ami] Sweet, can I borrow that for a second? I've got something  
stuck in my teeth...  
Crow: (senshi) How about I ram it down your throat?  
Tom: [Ami] It's not that far back, silly.

 

>"Come peacefully, and we won't kill you. We could use more soldiers."  
>Ami glanced at Ky. Ky simply smiled.

Mike: [Ky] Don't worry, Ami. Suicide is painless! *cut cut* OWWWW!!  
No, it isn't!

 

>"You'll never defeat the Resistance," she called, raising her staff.  
>"Take this! Starlight!" She waved her staff around. 

Tom: She's Che-lor Guevara, it seems.

 

>Three little stars jumped out of her staff and hit the senshi square in  
>the chest. The senshi grunted, but then laughed.

Crow: The little stars got madder and got out little boxing gloves. It  
was drop-dead cute.

 

>"That's it? That's all you have?"  
>  
>"Mercury Bubbles Blast!" Ami cried. The hall filled with bubbles. 

Crow: (senshi) Bubbles? You're attacking me with bubbles?  
Mike: [Ami] Just wait, here's the Mentos.

 

>"This way!" she called, grabbing Ky's hand.  
>  
>"Hide, Mercury," Ky whispered. "Follow us."  
>  
>"But!"

Tom: [Ami] Don't take me away now! Between the stars and the bubbles,  
we've got an awesome rave here!

 

>"GO!" she whispered fiercely. Ami nodded, and she hid in the darkness  
>of another hall.

Crow: ]';/  
Tom: What the hell?  
Mike: Sorry, I found a spider on Crow:, had to kill it.  
Crow: What!? Oh no, does that mean I'll soon have the powers of a Tobey  
Maguire?  
Mike: To be short and annoying? You're already there.  
Tom: Guys, the 'fic is still scrolling.  
Crow: And? 

 

>"Nice trick your friend has," the unknown senshi said, as she dragged  
>Ky down the hall. "But she's not ver loyal, is she?"

Tom: [Ky] Hey, who are you to judg!

 

>"She'll be back, with help!" Ky cried, as if frightened.  
>  
>"Good. More soldiers."

Crow: [senshi] Our Secret Santa parties have been pretty pathetic  
lately, I could use some nice gift certificates....

 

>Ami followed them from the shadows, and though she was not exactly  
>stealthy, Ky made up for it by carrying on like a child. 

Tom: [Ami] Oracle, there's a structure about fifty meters ahead, any  
intelligence on what I'm up against?  
Mike: [Ky] I WANNA MY LOLLY!! *sobbing*

 

>They entered the throne room, and Ami wasn't too sure how she would  
>follow Ky in. 

Crow: Here's an idea, how about your BUBBLES!? You know, the attack  
you just used about a minute or so ago!?  
Mike: The cooldown time on the bubbles is an absolute bitch.

 

>The door slammed shut, and Ami gave a small sigh. She pressed her ear  
>up against the door.

Tom: Sorry, folks, she's completely forgotten how doors work. Try  
your hand, Ami!

 

>"What have you got there, my pretty?" asked a deep voice.  
>  
>"A Lesser senshi, one of the Rebels that incited the riot."

Crow: [senshi] She's Sailor Dressgrabber, my liege. If you don't stop  
her, she'll take everything on sale.  
Mike: She dared to go to Lambeau to yell "Go Vikes!"

 

>"Lesser? Are you sure?"  
>  
>"Yes, master. She used her attack on me. Not much good, but it did  
>sting a bit." There was a rumbling laughter.

Tom: [Jabba the Hutt] Ho ho ho ho ho...  
Crow: Fat Tony runs a tighter organization than this.

 

>"Perfect. Bring the girl to me. Did any escape?"  
>  
>"Another senshi, one who had a mist attack. No damage, but she did  
>manage to run away."

Tom: (singing) She just rannnn... she ran all night and daaay...  
Mike: She is well-practiced, at least.

 

>"Fine. Well done, my pretty. You will be rewarded."

Mike: Hibroy's going to surprise her with a dick in a box, as usual.  
Crow: Is it really a surprise anymore?

 

>There was silence for a moment, and then Ami heard Ky's voice.

Tom: [Ky] She's back there, second door from the right, I swear!

 

>"Please don't hurt me," she whimpered.  
>  
>"Oh, I won't hurt you, little one.

Mike: [Ky] I'll do the metal bikini, just promise me you won't turn on  
the electromagnet again. That was uncomfortable.

 

>Close your eyes. Soon it will all be over."

Mike: Oh, thank goodness.  
Tom: Uh, he wasn't talking to you, Mike:.  
Mike: Hush.

 

>"It will be over for you, Hibroy," Ky called. Ami grinned, taking it as  
>her cue. She burst in through the door.

Crow: [Ami] It's time to PARRRRR-TAY! I'm DJ Ami, ready to spin tunes  
and groove the room!  
Tom: [Hibroy] Sorry, I already bought Thin Mints this year.

 

>"Aqua Rhapsody!" She unleashed her attack, freezing the unsuspecting  
>senshi in her tracks. 

Tom: [Ami] I'd make a joke, but I used up all 1001 Ahhnold Ice Puns.

 

>The man on the throne stood. He wore a long, flowing robe, and a black  
>Crow:n sat on his head. He was a fat, lazy looking man.

Mike: The burgers finally caught up with Jughead.

 

>"Well, you brought friends, little one. A water senshi. And are you a  
>fire senshi?" He gave a booming laugh.

Crow: Cool, all he needs is a plant senshi and he has a color group.

 

>"You are hopelessly surrounded. You will never escape this palace  
>alive."

Crow: [Hibroy] Assuming I... *yawn* ...can work up the energy to give a  
flying crap.  
Mike: And this guy was a threat to how many "dementions" again?

 

>"You are going to die, Hibroy, for everything you have done." 

Tom: [Hibroy] Ha! I returned those videos late last night!  
Mike: [Ky] ALMOST everything you have done.

 

>Ky raised her staff. "I will not suffer your evil schemes any longer. 

Tom: This man has not a single guard within a five-mile radius? No  
superpowered senshi that can teleport, or wallwalk, or who were  
invisible for the last five minutes? Really?  
Crow: He sent them all out for pizza.

 

>Relinquish your hold on all the worlds, and I will let ou live."

Mike: [author] CUT!  
Tom: [Ky] Mon dou! What zee hell was wrong with zat take!?  
Mike: [author] Your accent slipped, Ky. Let's take it from the top.  
Tom: [Ky] Zis is some merde right here! I hate zis new directeer! I'm  
going to mon traileer!  
Crow: [Ami] 'ere, stow that tosh and shut your bloody cakehole, ya  
manky twat!  
Mike: The movie remake of "Absolutely Fabulous" was tweaked slightly  
from the source material.

 

>He gave another laugh, his belly shaking.

Tom: [Hibroy] Ho ho ho, I conquered the Martians, what hope do  
you have against me? 

 

>"Let me live?" He gave a whistle, and five senshi stormed into the  
>room. 

Tom: [Hibroy] I have my elves cranking out senshi day and night!  
Mike: Wait, I got it! Hibroy is just another alias for Harry Mudd! It  
all makes sense now!

 

>"I should kill you for that, but I won't. I have a need for water-based  
>senshi." 

Mike: Their bongs go dry really quickly, and there's not enough beer to  
go around.  
Tom: [Hibroy] Please speak with Sailor Folders in the vestibule for an  
application and leave your references with me.  
Crow: Don't, Ami. Perks include Hibroy watching movies projected on  
your back.

 

>He stood, and stepped before Ami, his chubby, sweaty hand hovering  
>before her face. 

Tom: [Ami] He's got detachable hands? I was wondering why I felt a  
breeze up my skirt.

 

>"Join us." Dark energy enveloped her. Ami felt as if she were drowning. 

Tom: Quick Ami, grab onto me! (imitates a buoy)  
Crow: Uh, she's not actually in the water, Servo.  
Tom: What's that? CPR? Don't mind if I do!  
[Mike: shakes his head]

 

>It was so different from the last two times, stronger, more persistent. 

Tom: This is SO true to the show!  
Mike: How so?  
Tom: It's two people braying back and forth while all the rest of the  
characters stand and watch.

 

>"Join us," he repeated, the energy intensifying until it was painful.

Crow: Yeah, Penn Jillette tends to have that kind of effect on people.

 

>"Never!" she screamed. The blinding darkness suddenly changed,  
>becoming a flash of blue. Her tiara was glowing brightly.

Mike: Uh oh, Ami just got the blue screen of death.  
Tom: [Tiara] Abort, Retry, Fail?  
Crow: [Ami] ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

 

>"Never will I bow down to you!!!"

Crow: What a time for Ami's sciatica to flare up!

 

>Then the pain won out, and Ami collapsed, unconscious. She heard Ky  
>calling her, and then she knew no more.

Tom: [Hibroy] Now what, Ky? She's the only grounding we really have to  
the canon, what do we do now?  
Crow: [Ky] Don't look at me, didn't you put all those "SENSHI" tags on  
the girls back there?  
Tom: [Hibroy] We didn't even get around to giving them random space  
rocks, don't yell at me!  
Mike: [Ami] OKAY, OKAY, I'm alive! Just shut up and follow my lead  
already!

 

>Chapter 16:

Tom: Will Mercury regain consiousness and win the day? Will Ky even let  
her try and continue to hog the limelight? Will Hibroy achieve his  
ultimate goal of a good BM? Find out in tonight's episode: The Lame  
Payoff!

 

>Ky felt sick. Ami had succumbed to Hobroy's power. 

Crow: Ami didn't count on Hibroy's slimmer, fit brother joining the fray.  
Mike: And now Ami's clothes were brighter than ever, thanks to the power  
of Sailor Tide With Bleach Alternative.

 

>"Mercury, get up," she cried. Ami's head bobbed, but she did not even  
>moan.

Mike: Well, she really did moan, but the idiot boom Mike Operator was  
checking out Sailor Maraschino Cherry in the back.

 

>"That one is mine. You can let her drop," Hibroy said. What is you  
>name, senshi?"

Mike: [Ky] We're so damned lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?

 

>"I am Princess Kotanam," she replied angrily. 

Crow: [Hibroy] Wait, wasn't it Duchess Kotanam after you divorced  
Prince Chasle last year?  
Tom: [Ky] I GOT TO KEEP THE TITLE.

 

>She threw the two senshi off her arms. 

Mike: The ones around her legs were keeping her warmer than she'd been  
in years.  
Crow: [Ky] Hey, mind keeping the hands below the hemline?

 

>"You have taken your last victim, Hibroy."

Crow: Even though Ky hid Hibroy's karaoke machine, Hibroy has  
long since memorized "Disco Duck".

 

>"Ah, the Gate Guardian. Good. Now I no longer have to search for you,  
>troublesome brat. Get her."

Mike: Hibroy makes Ben Stein look like Al Pacino.  
Tom: [Ben Stein] Hoo-ahh.

 

>"You will never take me!"

Crow: Now, ol' Boss Hibroy has Bo Duke where he wants 'er. How'll them  
Dukes get outta this one?

 

>"That's what your friend said, and she is mine now. Watch." He looked  
>over at Ami's still form. "Rise, Sailor Mercury. Rise and do my  
>bidding."

Tom: [Ami] But Manos would not approve!

 

>Ky held her breath as Ami stirred. She stood. She turned to face Ky,  
>and winked! Ky stared in disbelief.

Crow: [Ami] Wuh-ink!  
Mike: This is the kind of acting I've come to expect from CBC dramas.

 

>"Mercury, please," she cried, realizing she need to keep up the  
>charade.

Tom: [Ky] YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!!! IT WAS SAID THAT  
YOU WOULD DESTROY THE SENSHI, NOT JOIN THEM!!!

 

>"Show me your attacks. 

Crow: [Ami] Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you!?

 

>Freeze the princess so she cannot escape." Ami raised her hands to do  
>her attack.

Mike: Or scenes from "The Jazz Singer", either one.

 

>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" she cried, spinning about so that she hit  
>Hibroy with her power. 

Crow: Then she muted him, changed his channel to the weather network and  
put him into sleep mode.

 

>Hibroy was frozen solid in a block of ice.

Crow: Great, let's ship him off to the Kushmans and start shooting up  
the end credits!  
Tom: That's what you get when you cast Comic Book Guy as your main  
baddie.

 

>Mercury turned back to the senshi approaching from behind.  
>  
>"I am Princess Mercury. I command you to halt."

Mike: [Mercury] You saw... nothinngk.

 

>Her gem flared, and a beautiful maiden in a graceful, blue dress stood  
>in place of Sailor Mercury. 

Tom: Is there a role that Katherine Heigl will turn down at this point?

 

>She held a small blue gem. "Planet Mercury, lend me your strength. Let  
>me heal them!"

Crow: Sorry, the planet Mercury is only interested in extreme  
retaliation and severe overkill.

 

>There was a flash of light, and Ami flopped over, returning to her  
>senshi form.

Tom: Next time, don't lick your finger before you touch the wire, Ami.

 

>The five senshi blinked, as if they had just realized where the were.

Crow: [author] ...and, that's all I got so far. I don't have a title  
for it yet but would any of you be interested in starring?

 

>"I don't know how Sailor Moon does it," she whispered, breathing  
>heavily. 

Crow: [Mercury] Okay, girls, time to return the rental costumes and  
leave the Senshi cosplaying to the pros.  
Mike: [Senshi, deep voice] We're not all ladies...  
Crow: [Mercury] Remind me to never go to a convention again.

 

>"Kotanam, do what you must!"  
>  
>"Reality Buster!" she cried, focusing her energy on Hibroy. 

Tom: [Kotanam] Sonic the Hedgehog will continue to suck! SUCK!  
Crow: [Kotanam] You're the lamest villian since The Blob!  
Mike: [Dr. Rumack] I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all  
counting on you.

 

>Hibroy's eyes went wide, and then he was caught in her power.

Crow: I feel so cheated, something so lame should've come with a goofy  
cartoon sound-effect.  
Tom: Yaaaa-hoo-hoo-hoooooeeeeyyy!!  
Crow: Hey, thanks!

 

>"Mommy," he said, his voice whiney like a child's voice. "I wanna go  
>play."

Mike: [Mercury] Patience, there's like only two pages left.

 

>"Not until you let everyone go," she replied. "Every single person  
>under your control must be freed."  
>  
>"Awe, but mommy!"

Tom: [Hibroy as Trelane] But I was winning! I was winning!  
Mike: He's trying to get the fantasy started, but Mercury's a cold fish.

 

>"Do as I say."  
>  
>"Yes mommy," he sighed, and his body began to glow. Dark bits of energy  
>appeared all throughout the room, engulfing him.

Crow: I'm trying to figure out if this is more evocative of Damien or  
Carol-Anne.  
Tom: I vote for Carrie.  
Mike: I vote for the MCP.

 

>"Is that everybody?"  
>  
>"Yes mommy."  
>  
>"Good boy." 

Crow: Did we escape into a "Dennis the Menace" 'fic somewhere down the  
line?  
Mike: Either that or a cheap remake of "The Manchurian Candidate".

 

>Ky pulled herself from the illusion, and Hibroy's eyes began to re-  
>focus.

Crow: I still fail to see why this couldn't have been accomplished  
about thirteen chapters ago.  
Mike: It's because they didn't have a senshi company directory... Tom?  
[Balloons and confetti start dropping down from the ceiling]  
Mike: (chuckles) Hey, what's going on?  
Tom: Good job, Nelson, that's the seventy-fifth repeated riff in the 'fic!  
Mike: Ooh, really? What do I win?  
Tom: A copy of the home game, "None Yet Suggest a Title"! Riff it  
with your friends on game night!  
Mike: But I have no friends...  
Tom: That's fine, you would have lost them all anyway by playing the  
Home Game!

 

>"Come on, Mercury," she said. "It's time to go." 

Tom: [Mercury] It's time for walkies? And a treat! I like treats...  
SQUIRREL!  
Mike: Keep that counter going, Tom.

 

>She turned to the five senshi. "Do as you will with that beast. Just  
>keep him out of other dementions."

Crow: Especially Arkham Asylum, that place has enough problems.

 

>"We can do nothing," one of them said. "We're nothing but Lessers."

Crow: [Senshi] We're only temps, they locked up the office supplies  
and we've got to fill out forms in triplicate to get any.  
Tom: [Ky] Then go detail my car while I ponder this problem.

 

>"Then I will do something," Ky replied. She considered opening a gate,  
>and banishing him to a world of monsters, 

Mike: Uh, sorry, WoW's full. No more room.

 

>but there was always the possibility that he would escape, and she  
>couldn't allow that. 

Tom: Then go with plan B, a terminal servicing Northwest/Delta flights.

 

>"I will bring him back to my world, where he will be tried for  
>attempted murder, murder and regicide. Death."

Tom: [Phoenix Wright] Objection!  
Mike: (chuckles) He'll be tried for dying too? Will he be tortured  
afterwards?

 

>"He's human, Kotanam. You can't kill him."

Crow: [Ky] Fine. I'll beat him good and let blood loss take over.

 

>"He's not human," Ky replied. "See for yourself." She tugged on his  
>hair, and his skin fell away, leaving a large purple blob.

Mike: She just pulled a reverse Scooby.

 

>"You will pay for this, Kotanam."

Crow: [Hibroy] I don't give it away for free!  
Mike:; Hey now, you can't make a reverse Scooby into a one-and-a-half  
Scooby until you mention the dog.

 

>"Empty threats." She waved her hand, preparing a gate. But the five  
>senshi unleashed a torent of magic, a blast of fire, a gust of wind,  
>lightning, a beam of ice and a thin stream of light crashed into him at  
>the same time. He exploded into tiny pieces of goo.

Mike: So, any five of the twenty-three thousand eight hundred fourteen  
would've worked.  
Crow: Figure out how many combinations THAT is, Ami.

 

>"Together, I guess we can do stuff," the littlest one said with a grin.

Tom: Oh God, please tell us that this was the Sailor Says of the 'fic!  
Crow: [Ami] Don't you mean, *snuff*?  
All: [Senshi] Hahahahahhaha!!!  
Mike: Be sure to tune in for another exciting episode of 'Senshi Squad:  
In Color'!

 

>*************************************************************>**************

Tom: Unable to handle the humiliation of being duped by Hibroy, the  
numerous nameless senshi transcended their earthly bodies and formed  
the constellation "Scene Change" where they watched over fanfiction for  
the rest of eternity.  
Crow: [Paul Harvey] And now you know... the rest of the story.

 

>Ami had never been so glad to be home. 

Mike: [Ami] Ha ha ha, manufactured products, sushi vending machines,  
Godzil... (eyes widen in horror) Oh... oh god... no... NO...  
(collapses to her knees) I TOOK TOO LONG!!! 

 

>"Tell the others goodbye for me," Ky called from inside her gate.

Crow: Hey, Ami! Good news! Ky won't make it to the International  
Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament next week!

 

>"I will," Ami replied. She waved to her friend.  
>  
>"Goodbye," Ky called. "And good luck."

Tom: Thank heaven they cured Sailor Pad-the-Outro, I don't know what I  
would have done without watching them bid the SI a fond farewell.

 

>"I don't put faith in luck, and you shouldn't either, Kotanam." Ky gave  
>a laugh.

Mike: [Ky] She's quoting my own banal cliches back at me! Well, two  
can play at that game! After a while, crocodile! Ha!  
Crow: It's as ironic as it is funny! What a double coup!

 

>"I'll see you again," Ky promised. "Never forget me."  
>  
>"I won't. 

Crow: [Ami] The courts will need a detailed report for the restraining  
order.

 

>And next time we see each other, I want a rematch!"  
>  
>"Fair enough."

Mike: Is this going to segue into some bizarre Dragonball pastiche?  
Tom: [Ami] My son Goku will AVENGE MY DEFEATS!  
Crow: [Ky] You SHALL NOT DEFEAT ME, Amirott!

 

>Ami headed home, feeling exhausted. She pulled up her communicator.  
>Rei answered.

Mike: [Ami] Foot massage. Now.  
Crow: [Rei] Like hell I...  
Mike: [Ami] FOOT MASSAGE. NOW!!  
Crow: [Rei] Yes'm.

 

>"How's Serena?"  
>  
>"She's fine," Rei replied. "Why? Did something happen?" 

Tom: There was no Hibroy. There was no Ky. There was no spoon.  
There was no chess.  
Mike: [Agent Smith] Got it, Miss Ann-derr-sson?

 

>Ami blinked. Then it occurred to her. Reality Buster. She gave a laugh.

Crow: Errgh... what?? So the last sixteen chapters NEVER HAPPENED?!?  
Tom: All those riffs were on an empty source?  
Mike: Stay tuned for the sequel, "Harami and Ky-mar Go to White Castle".

 

>"Never mind, Rei, never mind. I'll be a little late.'

Mike: The police commissioner just turned on the Ami Signal.  
Tom: A picture of a brain?  
Mike: Natch.

 

>"Late? Are you sure nothing's happened."

Crow: Mageling must be a nom de plume for Tom: Clancy.

 

>"Very sure. I just need to play a good game of chess."

Mike: If this isn't the world telling Ami to drop chess in favor of  
"Pokemon SoulSilver", then I don't know what is.  
Tom: And so the 'fic loops back on itself, a Moebius strip that shall  
never end.  
Crow: Let's skedaddle.

 

\---Satellite of Love

Mike and the 'Bots all congregated near the desk. Tom Servo had a  
green visor on his head, and Crow sported a pencil.

"You guys said that you created a new television show in the five  
seconds we've been out of the theater?" Mike led.

"Of course, Nelson!" Crow replied. "Look, we've already got a first-  
look deal with HGTV."

"Picture this, Mike." Tom said. "All of the drama of life and death,  
intergalactic competitors, awesome power-ups, and more action than a  
million of these 'fics!"

"Don't make me read this a million times," Mike warned. "What's the  
title?"

"Are you ready?" Crow nudged Mike to get him to see the card on the  
desk. Mike held it up, which contained a logo. "It's Dragonball Super  
Zed Chess Masters!" Crow read off the card.

"Super Zed?"

"What other country is infested with both thousand-pound carnivores  
and Mounties?" Tom asked.

"Point taken," Mike responded. "So, Crow, do they actually play  
chess or do they just taunt each other for long periods of time?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Mike, haven't you figured out how boring  
chess is yet?" Crow retorted. "Like hell we'll be wasting any time  
showing them playing chess!"

"How come I get the feeling that it'd be just like watching late  
90's WWF?" Mike asked.

At that point, Tom noticed the plastic item on the counter. "Hey,  
guys, the Jokeson meter is still running. And it's still showing Mike!"

As the 'Bots chortled, Mike dropped the title card and reached over  
the desk. "Give me that!" The red light started flashing. As Mike  
bashed the button with the Mattel PKE meter, he queried "What do you  
think, sirs?"

 

\---Deep Thirteen

"Hello? Jim Sokolove's office? I've got a case. Yes, I'll hold,"  
Frank whispered into the phone. Dr. F entered the scene from left and  
saw Frank on the phone. "Yeah, Mr. Sokolove, are you still accepting  
trip-and-fall cases?" Frank continued.

"Oh, Franky Franky Frank..." Dr. F sighed. "All of the whistleblower  
laws in the land aren't enough to protect you from me. Push the button  
and keep testing the prototype!" Dr. F yanked the phone out of Frank's  
hand by the cord. "Ever consider a reciprocal deal, Mr. Sokolove?"

Frank looked at the console and pushed the button.

\--FWOOSH!--

The sounds of footsteps recede into the background, followed by Frank  
yelling "WhoooooOOOAAAA... ooof!"

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na...."

All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully  
appreciated and accepted at:  
zoogz@yahoo.com  
megane67@rogers.com

My deepest thanks to my coauthor, Megane 6.7, who as always provides  
terrific riffs, host segment ideas, motivation, editing and formatting,  
and an ear to bend. His and my MSTings are all available at:  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

This MSTing was almost four years in the making, and it certainly  
represents the quickest turnaround that Megane and I have been able to  
manage in a while. We have our next target chosen, though our next  
fanfic MSTing may take a bit; Megane and I will be taking a run at doing  
a real Rifftrax audio commentary, to the movie "The Last Dragon" (also  
known as "Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon") We'll see how it goes!

While MST3k may not be around much anymore, there are definitely  
terrific alternatives that go a long way to providing you grilled pop-  
culture and cheese sandwiches! For those who are interested in the  
newest movies and the more famous cheese of yesteryear that can't be  
adequately obtain via rights, go to www.rifftrax.com. Mike Nelson,  
Kevin Murphy (Tom Servo) and Bill Corbett (Crow #2) do an awesome job  
of skewering recent movies through DVD-styled commentaries that can be  
set up to play as the movie plays. It's great stuff!

For those who love discovering vintage cheese and aren't as able to  
get two tracks going at the same time, Joel Hodgson has your answer!  
Check out Cinematic Titanic (at www.cinematictitanic.com). Besides  
Joel, there is Trace Beaulieu (Dr. Forrester and Crow #1), Frank  
Conniff (TV's Frank), Josh Weinstein (original Dr. Erhardt, season 1  
of MST3k) and Mary Jo Pehl (Pearl Forrester). These guys specialize  
in the old MST3k treatment, which is finding older B movies and giving  
it a riffing.

For those who want some idea of these things before they buy them,  
Megane 6.7 and I often review both Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic  
offerings at our blog, mstings.blogspot.com. Activity on the blog has  
slowed to some extent, but we do try to keep it moving with reviews on  
anime and the above as well as what little news we can offer.

As for your author, he's in a far better place than he has been  
through the last eight years and is looking forward to not having to  
change locations every dozen months. I hope that this stability leads  
to a more consistent writing pace and schedule, as I have been writing  
for more than ten years now and I'm not interested in stopping anytime  
soon. While the numbers of our fellow riffers and our audience have  
shrunken, gone to the four winds of reality television, MMORPGs, 4chan  
-style anything-goes sandbox fights, or maturity, we'll still be here  
for everyone who still enjoys a weird story and funny riffs.

This MSTing is dedicated to the memory of Leslie Nielsen and to the  
memory of Bill Livingston. Thank you both for all your years of  
laughter, you'll be sorely missed.

For those who could use a reminder of Bill's terrific MSTing  
through the years, please visit:  
http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/authors/a.html  
and search for Bill's name. He's contributed to and written some  
of the best examples of 'fic MSTing on the net.

Recently, Megane 6.7 and I collaborated on both a new MSTing that he  
wrote called "12 Months and a Year", as well as a new Let's Play coming soon  
featuring humorous commentary on the game "Les Manley: Search for the King". 

All this and more can be accessed at the recent projects page at  
A MSTing for All Seasons, which is at

http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent

Our Let's Plays and a few other videos can be acccessed at

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

Thanks for reading!

Special Thanks:  
Teachers of America  
The Authors of the First Amendment  
American Cancer Society  
Cast and Crew of MST3k

>There was a flash of light, and Ami flopped over, returning to her  
>senshi form. The five senshi blinked, as if they had just realized  
>where the were.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics....


End file.
